Thursday, June 11, 2009

Death = Abundance?

If you couldn't tell, I have been in a bit of a dry spell lately, spiritually. Ok, I have been on the verge of being depressed, feeling far from God, not wanting to read my Bible and feeling like my prayers were hitting the ceiling. I had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday morning, which also means I cried so hard on the way to work I washed away half of my makeup and was afraid I might get in a car accident.

So, all that got me thinking about "The Abundant Life" that Jesus offers us. Most of my hard times are because I am not getting what I want. Or what I think I need. Or what I think I should have. Or not being who I think I should be. And over and over again, God just asks, "Do you trust Me?" And I usually say, "More than I used to, but obviously not enough, Help me, Lord!"

I have these ideas in my head about what is important in life. I think He put those ideas there. I keep finding out He has something far different in mind. It is really hard to explain. I think it has something to do with this verse: 35 If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it. I always thought this verse is talking about salvation, but now I am wondering if it isn't also the key to the abundant life? Because every part of my life I am willing to die to, (give up my desires and trust Him) I seem to have more peace. And joy. When I hold on to my desires, I get discouraged when I can't make them happen, and start to feel like my spirit is dying.

I have been praying that God would teach me what it means to live for Him, alone. Really, truly. To die to myself and live for Him. It is very uncomfortable and almost scary to have all my values changing. I almost feel panicky about giving up some of the things that have been such a part of me for so long. Desires, personality traits, motivations, how I view myself.

But He is God, I am not. I have to trust He knows what He is doing and He is my guide. And I do want to follow Him more than I want anything else. So I will stay in this weird place as long as He keeps me here.

And don't worry, you guys know me, I could be completely fine by tomorrow and you will ask me about this and I will be like, "Huh? Oh yeah, I am fine now." :)

Thanks for being part of my journey.


Andresa said...

I love going on your journey with you. I love your heart. I remember the first time I met you at the first retreat I got to come to...I remember VERY specifically God showing me your heart and how evident it is that you deeeeply love Him. I think you go through your spiritual roller coaster BECAUSE you have such a deep and pure love for God, and I think it is a complete inspiration for many. Your honesty and openness shows others that we are not losing our minds and we are not alone when we go through similar things. Thanks for sharing your heart honestly.
We are heading up there today...woohoo!!!!

Cyndi said...

Thanks for your transparency, Tawny. I have often struggled with depression, so I can relate. Hope you're feeling better soon and thanks for posting!

tawny said...

Andresa, thank you. XO

Cyndi, I am feeling better, thank you too!

Anonymous said...

Lord, I pray you will draw Tawny close to You. I know how hard it is to trust You sometimes. Help her to trust You and to understand how incredibly, deeply You are in love with her!

Love, Jenny :)

Tawny said...

Thank you Jenni,

I have been super busy since I wrote this post, haven't even had time to blog, which is horrible. :) I will try to get caught up soon.