But do I love them well?

I am thinking not.

Some I neglect
Some I abuse

Many I misunderstand

I am more faithless than faithful.

I talk too much and I pray too little.

Thanks be to Jesus, our Lord.
He is our only hope.

And He is enough to make all of it right. Someday. In the meantime all we can do is our best, even though it is never good enough and thank Him for His mercy and faithfulness. Thank Him for His perfect ways and that He was good enough to teach us about forgiveness.

Thank you, Lord. Purify us, strengthen us, make us more like You. For the glory of Your Name.

Keeping Perspective

I just reread Prince Caspian after we saw the movie.

I keep thinking about this part: "Oh dear, oh dear", said Lucy. "And I was so pleased at finding you again. And I thought you'd come roaring in and frighten all the enemies away-like last time. And now everything is going to be horrid."
"It is hard for you, little one," said Aslan. "But things never happen the same way twice. It has been hard for us all in Narnia before now." Lucy buried her head in his mane to hide from his face. But there must have been magic in his mane. She could feel lion-strength going into her. Quite suddenly she sat up. "I'm sorry , Aslan," she said . "I'm ready now."
"Now you are a lioness." said Aslan.

I need that to happen "in the Spirit" between my King and I. I need His strength because I have none of my own. Don't worry about me though, I do this every now and then. And I am actually thankful for it. It puts things back into perspective for me. I am nothing, He is everything. And He who is Everything is loving me who is nothing.

I so want to see His face......

His Strength, My Weakness

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Cor 12:9

Since the Retreat, I have been thinking about the verse Nancy shared with us in her session. The translation she used said "My gracious favor is all you need". I loved that because what could we possibly want more than His favor??? I want to make Him smile. I have always been so sad about the time in Noah's day when He was "grieved" He made man. I don't want to grieve Him, I want to delight Him.

So I ended up reading those verses again this morning. I was thinking about how I want so badly to turn my weaknesses into strengths for Him. But is that even what He wants from me? Do I decide what needs to be changed and fixed in my life, or does He? Now, He has changed a LOT of stuff about me (you can ask my husband or my sister if you want to be sure) but there are things in my life I am very frustrated about because I feel like I am weaker than I should be.

So then I am wondering, do all of us do that? Spend tons of energy trying to change our weaknesses into strengths for God's glory when He never even asked us to? Maybe doesn't even want us to? Maybe we are supposed to be boasting about our weaknesses, instead of trying to hide them? Maybe even rejoicing because God's power works through our weakness?

Father, teach me what all of this means!!!!!

Are You Sure, Lord????

What is it about getting up in front of people and talking that makes us question everything about ourselves?

I suppose if one did it all the time it wouldn't be a big deal. I only do it a couple times a year and it is such a big deal to me. I just feel so unworthy.

Probably because I am so unworthy. Who am I to lead any of God's people? I am amazed He loves me, let alone gives me any responsibility in His kingdom.

It seems like He would clean me up and make me better if He wanted to use me. I guess that is the whole "His strength is sufficient in our weakness" thing.

I am so thankful Life is about His glory and goodness, nothing else.

Internal mess that I am......

I was driving home from our small group last night feeling like a complete idiot because of something I said. (If you were there, it wasn't what I said at the beginning but at the end about the Passion of the Christ movie).

New discovery......I think I hate being embarrassed more than any other emotion. I remembered when I would have to lay a book down and put something over the top of it if I read something embarrassing when I was little. Are we all like that, or is it me?

Anyway, I was trying to figure out my motivation for saying what I did, am I trying to show off, Lord? Prove something? I moved on from there and told Him if I need to embarrass myself for some reason, I am willing, but please Lord, don't ever let me embarrass you!!! I think He laughed at me because He is much bigger than all this self-focused mumbo~jumbo.

Which brought up all my fears for the retreat, time to start figuring out what's going on in my heart about that. "No, Lord I am not afraid You won't be there, that was my fear last year and You so corrected my thinking about that! These are Your ladies, You will meet us there..........another gasp of discovery......... I am afraid You won't show up in me! Then I will have to be embarrassed again." (Especially because I don't really prepare for these things. I tried to a couple years and it didn't do any good, just made my sister extremely nervous when I would practice on her).

And then my heart relaxed and I said, "This retreat is all about You and if you don't choose to reveal Yourself in me, I am ok with that." And I know He doesn't need my permission to be who He is and do what He wants but I feel so much better when I give it to Him (my version of surrender :)

And then I came home and read Beth's blog (because I am addicted) and this is how she ended it:

Bad day, Dear Siesta? Well, at least you can know tomorrow's gonna be better.

"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you. See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and His glory appears over." Isaiah 60:1,2.

It's gonna get better. And I'm talking about more than your hair. The Son's just about to rise upon you.

I am not sure if this is a word just for me (probably not, God is very good at multi-tasking) and hopefully none of you will be disappointed if I don't start glowing at the retreat or something, but it sure made me cry. And go put on the necklace my sisters gave me that say "Arise and Shine" in Hebrew that came with a little reference card with those verses on it.

May Your glory arise among all Your people Lord. We are nothing without You!!!!!!!!!!!

The Beginning of the Blogging

This is a good example of how impulsive I am. I have been reading Beth Moore's blog since Christmas and just found out normal people have blogs on Friday and I am making one on Sunday afternoon.

I thought I would tell you why I called my blog learning to live. Beth asked us to share what God has set us free from and I thought maybe I would put it on here too. I think it will help show where I am coming from.....

God has set me free from hating myself. From feeling completely worthless and hopeless. One day when I was reading about the crucifixion, I told Him "Well at least you weren't suffering for you own stupid sin Lord" and I felt like He said, "No child, I was suffering for yours, so you wouldn't have to." That hit me so hard and I knew I could no longer beat myself up for my sin and mistakes. He paid the price already. I am free to say I am sorry and move on, I don't have to hate myself. He knew what I would be and do and chose me and loved me anyway.

My life is about Him, not me. That is incredibly freeing. If He wants me to grow in an area and I am willing, I will grow. If I still have something to learn from making the same mistake over and over, I will stay there until I learn. I trust He has the power to change me and make me exactly what He wants me to be. I am willing for whatever He wants for me, whether it be painful or joyful~that is enough for Him.

I believe we have to want Him more than victory, more than godliness, more than righteousness. He wants to be our life, our hope, our delight. Seek Him, He will take care of the rest.

All that being said, I am still not very good at the everyday part of life. I LOVE my quiet time, it is my favorite time of the day. That is easy for me. Trying to make my family dinner every night is very, very hard for me.

I want to have a clean house and healthy meals for my family and get enough exercise and be healthy and do all the "right" stuff but it is so tedious and boring and time consuming and never ending. I love to talk to my husband and kids and play with them I just hate all the WORK. I don't think I am lazy, I just hate the redundant stuff.

BUT, it has only been the last three years that I haven't struggled with severe depression, so I am hoping I am almost healthy enough to be able to take care of the boring stuff so that I can take good care of my family's (and my) physical needs.

So I guess what I am trying to say is I love emotional, spiritual stuff, and needs some serious help on the physical stuff. I know everything is spiritual and God cares about all of our lives, I am just trying to figure out how to make it all work. And it has to be through the Spirit anyway so it will be full of light and life and love, not yelling, exasperation and irritation. Not that any of us will ever be perfect, OF COURSE. :)