Friday, March 7, 2008

Internal mess that I am......

I was driving home from our small group last night feeling like a complete idiot because of something I said. (If you were there, it wasn't what I said at the beginning but at the end about the Passion of the Christ movie).

New discovery......I think I hate being embarrassed more than any other emotion. I remembered when I would have to lay a book down and put something over the top of it if I read something embarrassing when I was little. Are we all like that, or is it me?

Anyway, I was trying to figure out my motivation for saying what I did, am I trying to show off, Lord? Prove something? I moved on from there and told Him if I need to embarrass myself for some reason, I am willing, but please Lord, don't ever let me embarrass you!!! I think He laughed at me because He is much bigger than all this self-focused mumbo~jumbo.

Which brought up all my fears for the retreat, time to start figuring out what's going on in my heart about that. "No, Lord I am not afraid You won't be there, that was my fear last year and You so corrected my thinking about that! These are Your ladies, You will meet us there..........another gasp of discovery......... I am afraid You won't show up in me! Then I will have to be embarrassed again." (Especially because I don't really prepare for these things. I tried to a couple years and it didn't do any good, just made my sister extremely nervous when I would practice on her).

And then my heart relaxed and I said, "This retreat is all about You and if you don't choose to reveal Yourself in me, I am ok with that." And I know He doesn't need my permission to be who He is and do what He wants but I feel so much better when I give it to Him (my version of surrender :)

And then I came home and read Beth's blog (because I am addicted) and this is how she ended it:

Bad day, Dear Siesta? Well, at least you can know tomorrow's gonna be better.

"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you. See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and His glory appears over." Isaiah 60:1,2.

It's gonna get better. And I'm talking about more than your hair. The Son's just about to rise upon you.

I am not sure if this is a word just for me (probably not, God is very good at multi-tasking) and hopefully none of you will be disappointed if I don't start glowing at the retreat or something, but it sure made me cry. And go put on the necklace my sisters gave me that say "Arise and Shine" in Hebrew that came with a little reference card with those verses on it.

May Your glory arise among all Your people Lord. We are nothing without You!!!!!!!!!!!


Krissi said...

I totally understand the hating to be embarressed feeling. I hate it so much that is why I don't want to say too much half the time because I know it's inevitable I will embarress myself. (with spelling errors too)

The Lord is very evident in your life and I am very confident that He will show Himself through you at the retreat. I really hope I get to go to be part of the glory unveiled that I am also confident will happen.

Your still the most influential person in my life and I treasure your imput. Keep marching forward and don't let the enemy slow you down with doubts. The Lord will keep you on the path as you charge foreward. Amen to your last comment let us not get in the way of His glory shining like the sun!!!

mandy said...

found ya via Kristiapplesauce & wanted to say that i really enjoyed your comment. the church is a HUGE passion of mine.

...not the little 4 walled ones, but the big one that has no walls and stretches all over this planet.