Saturday, May 10, 2008

85 million is not the magic number

How many times do I have to give this back to God? Being fat is not a sin. Gluttony is a sin. "The act or habit of eating or drinking more than necessary." Ok, so what is necessary? Barely sustaining life or enjoying food and drink? Limiting ourselves so we are as beautiful as possible or walking in the freedom of just eating whatever is handy when we are hungry? We all have our own lines, our own answers to that question. I have been on a diet for 24 hours and I am miserable. I have not been this insecure or unhappy for months.

I need to love my kids, I need to be happy for my husband. He hates it when I am like this. I will ask God, in His mercy, to lead me by His Spirit and convict me of sin. I do not want to sin against Him by eating too much. I want to please Him in every area of my life, He knows that. He has not seen fit to help me with this in the way I want. I will accept that. He knows what is best for me. Maybe I would be proud or unapproachable, or only He~knows~what, if I could do this.

I don't want to forfeit the plan He has for me because I am spending my life trying to lose weight. My life is His, my body is His. He can do with it what He wills.

I know some of you have this figured out. You can eat right and love the people around you at the same time. I can't. I really, really wish I could. I keep hoping someday I will be able to. Apparently, not yet.


Anonymous said...

Tawny, I am going to so LOVE laying aside this weight with you. Because, girlfriend, YOU have got it!
"I know some of you have this figured out. You can eat right and love the people around you at the same time. I can't."
Tawny, that's the key right there. You can't. Neither can I. But do you know what? Jesus can, and He did!! I was just like you, miserable everytime I tried to start a diet. Do you know why? Because I took my eyes off of Jesus, and put them on my failings instead. Don't put your eyes on your failures Tawny. Put your eyes back on the One who succeeded for you. The more you look at who He is, the more you will know who you are, and who you are will just blossom like a rose. I want to share so much with you! I will start putting what He has been showing me on my blog. I'm seeing this from a different angle than I have ever heard before!
Don't look at your shortcomings Tawny. Don't look at where you lack, or even at your sin. God never told us to do that. Look at Jesus...all of your sin and failure is there, on that cross, not on you. And in return, you get resurrection, restoration! You don't have to earn salvation, and you don't have to "work your way" to restoration. He will restore your body. When you believe you are a failure, or sinful, shame comes in, and clings to you. You are not a failure. You are His beloved! He is pleased with you! and if you find it hard to believe that He is pleased with you because you sin in an area, than that belief is the real "weight" you need to lose. While we were yet sinners, He died for us! He will just keep telling you who you are until you believe Him, and what you believe shows up in your life. And I will keep telling you the same;) YOU are His anointed daughter!
I'm sorry I took up so much room, but the page was blank, looked like God left room for me to make sure you know how pleased He is with you:)

Tawny said...

Thank you so much for your comment. I loved it. I know what you mean about learning who I am in Him. I used to struggle with depression very badly and it is when I learned how he loves me and has redeamed me and gave His life to set me free, that I was able to lift up my head and be free from hopelessness.

This is different. It is the only area of my life where I can't hear Him guiding me. I can't find Him in it and that is why I am lost.

As a wife, as a mother, in ministry, with my time, all of these areas, He leads me. But with my body and eating, I can't find Him.

Does that make sense?

Anonymous said...

yes, it makes SO much sense! I couldn't hear Him leading me in this area either. For a very long long time. In 2000 after one of my sons was born, I started eating healthy and exercising and lost 75 pounds. But I literally had to give my LIFE to it. As a mom, wife, and minister, that left no time for my husband,kids, or the ministry. For me to succeed, it literally took every waking moment, thought and action poured toward accomplishing "weight loss". And I couldn't keep up that pace. It wasn't until only a month or so ago that I finally realized that He doesn't want to talk to me about my FAILURES and WEAKNESSES! Which is what I kept looking for before. Show me how to have self control God. Show me how to be consistant with exercise. Show me how to have a 'normal' relationship with food and not run to it for emotional reasons, or boredom, or disapointment. But yet, I'd hear nothing. Except more guilt, more shame, more failure. That was before. Then I read a book one day that just 'turned the light on'. It was about Grace. And Love. (which is WHO HE IS). I couldn't see who HE IS, and who I'M NOT until I could see His amazing love and grace, and come to terms with the truth that God isn't interested in talking to me about my failures, because He would have to get out of disagreement with Himself, and agree with me that I am a failure. He wants to tell me who I am by the blood of Jesus. But not just about 'Who I Am', because the body of Christ has beaten that one in our heads well. But WHO JESUS IS, who is IN US. I wanted to talk to God about my sin, and the help I needed to overcome my sin. He didn't want to talk to me about my sin, because He said sin is no longer an issue. It has been paid for. But I have believed that I have to keep paying for my gluttony, my lack of self control, my lack of discipline and success in healthy eating etc, by carrying this fat all on my body. I reap what I sow, right? God said no. HE said, Reap what I sowed. I sowed the blood of my Son. Reap restoration. Just like we believe and reap salvation. Just because we believe! That took me a few days/weeks to grasp. Still trying to grasp it. 2 Peter 1:5-9 says if you lack self control, perseverance, faith, etc...that is't because we have fogotten that we were cleansed from our old sins!!! That's what holds us "short" of success! I am cleansed! You are cleansed!! But if I BELIEVE this is MY SIN and I am sinful and must find a way to be free somehow, I have brushed aside the very work of the cross, and will have to trudge in my own efforts, falling short in all of the areas of that verse. I preached about this very thing a few weeks ago. You can listen to it at scroll down to "April 6th Rev. Kelly Chorley" Freedom is ours Tawny. It is ours. It's hard to believe that in our brains when we've tasted failure for so long. But once you taste freedom in this area, you won't be satisfied with any other taste. I'm just beginning to walk out what I'm hearing from Him. Walk with me girl. Walk with me.

Tawny said...

I do so feel like I have to obsess about losing weight to lose it and I want God to be my only obsession. That is why I haven't even tried for longer than two weeks for years. I don't want to live for the things of this earth, I want to live for Him alone.

So, what are you doing physically now? How is that different?

I will listen to what you spoke about after work. I am excited, I don't think I have ever heard a woman pastor speak before. :)