NMFPIMWLC

Ok, I think I figured out what I am officially doing. But it is weird. I am trying to learn how to "Eat in the Spirit". What does that mean? I am not sure yet, but I am guessing it is similar to "Mothering in the Spirit". I do know how to do that. It was SOOOOO hard for me to be a mom. The constant dying to my own desires and the never ending demands that were never reciprocated. I used to be all about instant gratification and there is NONE in mothering. I read a bizillion christian parenting books, all of which seemed to contradict one another. I finally threw the last one across the room and told God, "I am done trying to figure out how to be a mom, You have to teach me Yourself, Lord. These are Your kids just as much as they are mine and I cannot do this without You." I don't know how many times after that I ended up sitting on my kitchen or bathroom floor, sobbing, begging Him to make me a better mom. But He has. I actually like being a mom now. I dare say I even love it. I never thought in a million years I would have such a complete change of heart. I still have bad days, but nothing like they used to be. So, when we started this, nutioghkghowi thing, I had the same kind of moment. "Lord, my body is Yours. Do with it what You will. Sickness, health, fat, skinny, it is Yours. I can not take care of it without You. Lead me by Your Spirit, teach me how You want me to eat." So far, all I got was "Listen to your body, it knows what it needs". I don't know if that was even truly Him, but I have lost five pounds in two weeks just by eating what sounds good and trying to pay attention to when I didn't want any more. Time will tell. I do so appreciate the support and focus doing this with other people brings. Thank you.

3rd and last (for a while) post on this embarrassing subject

I am tempted to just delete all of these posts, because on the weekend not too many people blog, and I think I could get away with it easy enough. But I am blogging so my friends will really know me and to help others in their struggles. I know self-image/weight issues are huge for women so I am going to swallow my pride and post.

After I wrote the post yesterday, I felt like a giant weight (at least twenty pounds :) had been lifted off of my heart. Then I spent a while looking at pictures of great leaders in the church. Past and present. I was delighted to discover that half of them would have a difficult time tying their shoes. I can still be effective for Christ, I just don't get to look beautiful doing it.

Yes, I did also go back and read my "Tearing Down Idols" post because I obviously needed too.

Anyway, I was driving home from my sisters and this delicious feeling came over me. I have felt it probably 3 or 4 times in my life. I asked, "What is this Lord? It feels like Peace, but better." I was satisfied. In Him. With my life, with myself.

I am sooooooo far from perfect, I pray all the time He will make me Good, because I know I am not ~ a lot of the time. But, I have everything I need in Him. I am everything I need to be, when I let His Spirit fill me.

I could LIVE WELL feeling satisfied. I know feelings are fickle, but feelings let us experience things we wouldn't through sheer knowledge. I hope I get to feel satisfied in Him, more and more often.

Thank You Lord for being so delicious.

85 million is not the magic number

How many times do I have to give this back to God? Being fat is not a sin. Gluttony is a sin. "The act or habit of eating or drinking more than necessary." Ok, so what is necessary? Barely sustaining life or enjoying food and drink? Limiting ourselves so we are as beautiful as possible or walking in the freedom of just eating whatever is handy when we are hungry? We all have our own lines, our own answers to that question. I have been on a diet for 24 hours and I am miserable. I have not been this insecure or unhappy for months.

I need to love my kids, I need to be happy for my husband. He hates it when I am like this. I will ask God, in His mercy, to lead me by His Spirit and convict me of sin. I do not want to sin against Him by eating too much. I want to please Him in every area of my life, He knows that. He has not seen fit to help me with this in the way I want. I will accept that. He knows what is best for me. Maybe I would be proud or unapproachable, or only He~knows~what, if I could do this.

I don't want to forfeit the plan He has for me because I am spending my life trying to lose weight. My life is His, my body is His. He can do with it what He wills.

I know some of you have this figured out. You can eat right and love the people around you at the same time. I can't. I really, really wish I could. I keep hoping someday I will be able to. Apparently, not yet.

The 85th Million Attempt Might be the ONE

I am reading this "Spiritual Leadership" book and I really like it. Except he says leaders are supposed to be disciplined in their personal lives. Trying to be disciplined usually makes me very cranky. But I was thinking maybe I have grown enough to try.

Then......

Brent had to post his weight loss thoughts and after two days, I told him "OK, Fine!!!!!! I don't know if I am spiritually mature enough to be hungry or skinny but I will try."

Wasn't that gracious of me? :)

I hate this whole subject, I have so much history and so many disappointments with myself embedded in it, so PRAY FOR ME!