Loving Being Loved

Yesterday, my husband and I both took the day off, sent the kids to school and hung out together all day. We had so much fun, going out to breakfast, getting groceries, shoes for my daughter. What amazed me the most though was last night the kids were playing quietly together (which is something to savor in itself) and Jason came over and laid down on the couch with me and started playing with my feet. I was just sitting there, looking at him, thinking how absolutely wonderful God was to lead me to this man. (Because I would have married anyone who asked me. After I got miserable enough, I finally consulted God and for the first time, I wanted His will more than my own. God has so rewarded me for that teeny, tiny bit of faith.) My favorite thing about my marriage is I am completely comfortable being me. I am secure in his love for me. And that is because I tested him constantly for the first 5 years of our marriage and he never left. He will be receiving some extra crowns in heaven, because of that, I believe :)

What is your favorite thing about your closest relationships?

Jeremiah 32:27

"I am the LORD, the God of all the peoples of the world. Is anything too hard for me?"

NO

not then....not now.....not ever.......

Increase our faith, Lord!

NMFPIMWLC

Ok, I think I figured out what I am officially doing. But it is weird. I am trying to learn how to "Eat in the Spirit". What does that mean? I am not sure yet, but I am guessing it is similar to "Mothering in the Spirit". I do know how to do that. It was SOOOOO hard for me to be a mom. The constant dying to my own desires and the never ending demands that were never reciprocated. I used to be all about instant gratification and there is NONE in mothering. I read a bizillion christian parenting books, all of which seemed to contradict one another. I finally threw the last one across the room and told God, "I am done trying to figure out how to be a mom, You have to teach me Yourself, Lord. These are Your kids just as much as they are mine and I cannot do this without You." I don't know how many times after that I ended up sitting on my kitchen or bathroom floor, sobbing, begging Him to make me a better mom. But He has. I actually like being a mom now. I dare say I even love it. I never thought in a million years I would have such a complete change of heart. I still have bad days, but nothing like they used to be. So, when we started this, nutioghkghowi thing, I had the same kind of moment. "Lord, my body is Yours. Do with it what You will. Sickness, health, fat, skinny, it is Yours. I can not take care of it without You. Lead me by Your Spirit, teach me how You want me to eat." So far, all I got was "Listen to your body, it knows what it needs". I don't know if that was even truly Him, but I have lost five pounds in two weeks just by eating what sounds good and trying to pay attention to when I didn't want any more. Time will tell. I do so appreciate the support and focus doing this with other people brings. Thank you.

Do I Really Want "More of Him, Less of Me"?

I had a revelation this morning. If I really trust God's timing, I shouldn't be impatient.


Then I had another revelation. I kind of like being impatient.


It is part of my personality and I think it helps me "get things done". Does it really? I doubt it.


Is there any part of your personality that you know is wrong, but you don't want to give up?

What is a Good Fight?

I love watching war movies with my husband. Partly because I was in the Army for three years and partly because I know we are engaged in a battle "against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

I don't like the horror of war, of course. I like how the deepest parts of a person's character are revealed. You see unlikely leaders develop into heroes. And people who would normally be admired, turn into villains. Watching them makes me want to go fight for God's Kingdom, to have an adventure, to make my life count for more than taking up a tiny bit of space on this earth. I love verses like this:

Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 1Tim 6:12

What do you think it means to "fight the good fight"?

In His Name.......

You know how there are words and phrases we throw around all the time and don't really know how to live them out? Love, Faith, Hope, Joy, Walking in the Spirit, Abiding in Christ.....I have asked God to show me what these really mean, what they look like in action. Another one for me was, praying "In Jesus Name."

And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father.

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit-fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.

In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.

I think I had written "What does this really mean, Lord?" by all of these verses in my Bible. I don't know completely what it means but there is one thing I have learned that is really cool.

He trusts us enough to let us use His name. We come before the Father, and ask Him for something in Jesus Name. Imagine if the president of the United States trusted us enough to let us sign his name on something? Jesus has given us that power.

Obviously, in His mercy and wisdom, we don't get everything we ask for in His name. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. James 4:3. My pleasure used to be my only concern and I couldn't figure out why He never answered my prayers. When I started to ask for things for His glory and kingdom, I was shocked at how quickly and powerfully He answered my prayers. Some things I am still waiting for, but I believe He is doing them. A lot of my selfish, glory~for~me prayers, He is still graciously ignoring. :)

So Much to Learn

For the last ten years, God has been teaching me to love. When I first believed in Jesus, and accepted that He is the only way to the Father, my first lesson was, "It is not about being right, it is about love."

He has called me to love when I feel unappreciated, misunderstood, neglected, even rejected. He taught me love is about giving love. Not receiving love from people. If I love His people unconditionally, He will love me. I go to Him to be loved and filled with love, so I can give it freely to others.

Do I do that perfectly?

Of course not. :) But He has written these things on my heart and I do believe with permanent marker, as Beth likes to say.

Just this morning I am sensing He is moving me to a different subject in the school of life. I think it is called Living Wisely. I'm scared. But a little excited.

Have Your way in me, My Lord. There is nothing better than being changed by you.

3rd and last (for a while) post on this embarrassing subject

I am tempted to just delete all of these posts, because on the weekend not too many people blog, and I think I could get away with it easy enough. But I am blogging so my friends will really know me and to help others in their struggles. I know self-image/weight issues are huge for women so I am going to swallow my pride and post.

After I wrote the post yesterday, I felt like a giant weight (at least twenty pounds :) had been lifted off of my heart. Then I spent a while looking at pictures of great leaders in the church. Past and present. I was delighted to discover that half of them would have a difficult time tying their shoes. I can still be effective for Christ, I just don't get to look beautiful doing it.

Yes, I did also go back and read my "Tearing Down Idols" post because I obviously needed too.

Anyway, I was driving home from my sisters and this delicious feeling came over me. I have felt it probably 3 or 4 times in my life. I asked, "What is this Lord? It feels like Peace, but better." I was satisfied. In Him. With my life, with myself.

I am sooooooo far from perfect, I pray all the time He will make me Good, because I know I am not ~ a lot of the time. But, I have everything I need in Him. I am everything I need to be, when I let His Spirit fill me.

I could LIVE WELL feeling satisfied. I know feelings are fickle, but feelings let us experience things we wouldn't through sheer knowledge. I hope I get to feel satisfied in Him, more and more often.

Thank You Lord for being so delicious.

85 million is not the magic number

How many times do I have to give this back to God? Being fat is not a sin. Gluttony is a sin. "The act or habit of eating or drinking more than necessary." Ok, so what is necessary? Barely sustaining life or enjoying food and drink? Limiting ourselves so we are as beautiful as possible or walking in the freedom of just eating whatever is handy when we are hungry? We all have our own lines, our own answers to that question. I have been on a diet for 24 hours and I am miserable. I have not been this insecure or unhappy for months.

I need to love my kids, I need to be happy for my husband. He hates it when I am like this. I will ask God, in His mercy, to lead me by His Spirit and convict me of sin. I do not want to sin against Him by eating too much. I want to please Him in every area of my life, He knows that. He has not seen fit to help me with this in the way I want. I will accept that. He knows what is best for me. Maybe I would be proud or unapproachable, or only He~knows~what, if I could do this.

I don't want to forfeit the plan He has for me because I am spending my life trying to lose weight. My life is His, my body is His. He can do with it what He wills.

I know some of you have this figured out. You can eat right and love the people around you at the same time. I can't. I really, really wish I could. I keep hoping someday I will be able to. Apparently, not yet.

The 85th Million Attempt Might be the ONE

I am reading this "Spiritual Leadership" book and I really like it. Except he says leaders are supposed to be disciplined in their personal lives. Trying to be disciplined usually makes me very cranky. But I was thinking maybe I have grown enough to try.

Then......

Brent had to post his weight loss thoughts and after two days, I told him "OK, Fine!!!!!! I don't know if I am spiritually mature enough to be hungry or skinny but I will try."

Wasn't that gracious of me? :)

I hate this whole subject, I have so much history and so many disappointments with myself embedded in it, so PRAY FOR ME!