Monday, September 21, 2009

I am a mess but Jesus loves me :)

I ate too much yesterday. Not because I wanted to, but because I couldn't stop myself. I was praying about it this morning and asking, "Lord, why do I do this? Where is it coming from? What is motivating me?"

I realized that when I was about 10yrs old I started to feel deeply insecure. I was starting to see the sin in myself and the sin in those around me. All was not right with the world. I knew about God, and a lot of what I knew wasn't even true. I did not know His character or His heart for His people and I certainly did not believe in His goodness. I had no hope.

I have come to love Him and trust Him as an adult but there is a part of me that still feels very shaky. That doesn't trust the future, doesn't trust myself. And since I totally lost it in church Sat night and started laughing and could not stop and felt badly for being disrespectful and out of control, I ate all day yesterday.

Oh my Lord, come and heal all of the messed up places in me. The ones I can see and the ones I can't. I want to be whole, in You. I want to reflect You as clearly as a human can. I don't want to be a slave to my insecurities. I want to trust You so fiercely that insecurities are not a part of who I am. Especially insecurities that are 27 years old! Life will be hard, yes, I accept that. Help me to trust that You will always be good. And that Your sacrifice makes me whole, not my own thoughts and behavior. I am not trustworthy Lord, but You are. And it is Your goodness and faithfulness that I can trust to make all things right in the world. Someday. Make me good through Your power and strength in the meantime. Thank you for loving me despite my complete lack of worthiness. I love You.

3 comments:

Sherri said...

Being quick to forgive, doesn't just apply to how we are to deal with others, sometimes the most important one we can forgive and let off the hook are ourselves.

The enemy loves to hold things over our heads, while playing scenarios over and over in our heads just to remind us of what we've done.

Silence the voice of the enemy and CHOOSE to walk free.

God already forgiven you, before you were ever 'overcome with emotion' in church ;) It's under the blood of forgiveness and washed away.

REJOICE, isn't that your new moto, REJOICE.

birgitwhelan said...

Bless you Tawny, and thanks so much for your honesty and openness. I love the way that when we ask God, He answers, and shows us where our fears or insecurities or choices in our lives stem from, and more than this, that He is able to bring grace and healing. He is so good! Lots of blessings to you :)

tawny said...

Yep, Sherri. That is my new motto. Practice, practice. I am not very good at it yet. :)

Birgit, thank you. I love how faithful our God is too! XO