Why the Wait...

I heard this morning that there might be a big lay off at my husband's place of work. While I was praying about it and telling God that I do trust Him to take care of us, I started thinking about how He always does what is best for us.

For so long, discipline was what was best for me. I have a very strong will and pretty much will only do what I want. God had to fix my "wanter", as they say. He had to teach me that His ways are best. I am sorry to say, He had to convince me. And it was painful. But He showed me so much mercy and revealed Himself to me and He loved me so faithfully and tenderly and strongly through it all.

I just realized this morning that we have to be prepared for blessings. If he blessed us before He changed us, we would never grow. I have spent years asking Him for things and getting a "No" or a "Not yet". I don't get mad at Him about it, (anymore) but I did wonder what the hold up was. This morning, I realized the hold up is me. I am not ready for all of the things I want. I am not strong enough or trustworthy enough or mature enough. It is God's best for me to make me wait.

I am so thankful He does not give us what we want, but what we need.

Praise You, Lord!

A Prayer....

Lord, I was thinking today about how well you know me. Your Spirit lives inside of me and can see all the things I am not wise enough to recognize. You know all my thoughts and emotions. Motivations and intentions. You can remember every detail of my past, the things I have forgotten. You know how every experience has affected me, even if I didn't notice. You know my past and my future, internally and externally. On earth and in heaven. There is nothing outside of Your knowledge and Your love. Amazing. How could I ever think that You don't care about me? That I couldn't trust You to know what is best for me? Forgive me, Lord and help me to never doubt that You are with me and for me, ever again. In Jesus' Name I pray.

But do I love them well?

I am thinking not.

Some I neglect
Some I abuse

Many I misunderstand

I am more faithless than faithful.

I talk too much and I pray too little.

Thanks be to Jesus, our Lord.
He is our only hope.

And He is enough to make all of it right. Someday. In the meantime all we can do is our best, even though it is never good enough and thank Him for His mercy and faithfulness. Thank Him for His perfect ways and that He was good enough to teach us about forgiveness.

Thank you, Lord. Purify us, strengthen us, make us more like You. For the glory of Your Name.

Young or Old, Does it Matter?

I am feeling very happy right now. I am enjoying it, because I know moments like this don't last forever. I stayed up until the New Year last night which is something I haven't done in years. We got to sleep in this morning because our kids are finally old enough to enjoy sleeping in and we let them stay up and play games and watch movies with us last night. Jason and I already took our walk this morning, so the rest of the day we can do whatever we want.

Today is my sister's 28th Birthday and I was thinking about age. One of my dearest friends just had a Birthday a couple days ago. She is in her 60s. 62? Anyway, I was thinking how age is such an earthly thing. Such a temporary thing. It means so much to us in so many different ways, but it really doesn't mean diddly squat. All that matters is our hearts learning to be in step with God's heart. In the end, how old we were when we did this or that will make no difference at all. Only if we did what God created us to do. If we believed Him and loved Him and served Him with all of our strength.

May we have willing hearts this year!

New Beginnings

So, I was praying about the New Year, in different sorts of categories.

Ministry: Love! Be patient. Trust God. Ect. (Not very practical but much needed)

Family: Love, Laugh, Enjoy them.

Then to my surprise I added, My Thought Life: Memorize "Whatever is Pure, excellent, praiseworthy" verse. Do a study on "thoughts".

Here is the first verses I found: Eph 4:21 Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, 22 throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. 23 Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. 24 Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.

I have been frustrated by my inability to act like a new creation. Is the key in our thought life and attitudes? Likely....

A New Year to learn more how to think like Christ and have an attitude that reflects Him and not my flesh. I am fine with that!

What is on your heart at this time of New Beginnings?

Adventures in Prayer

The first time I started hankering for Starbucks, I was surprised where it led. I started thanking God. For all kinds of stuff that I usually take for granted. I never imagined that denial could lead so quickly to thankfulness. To feelings of quiet gratitude. It seems this is part of God changing my heart; from an anxious, frustrated heart to a thankful, quiet heart. It is unusual for me to recognize when transformation is taking place. I usually can't tell until it has been different for a while. Of course, this could be an forty year process, I don't always learn very fast.

All this to say, I guess I am not going to have any grand plans for my prayers, I will just take this prayer adventure one hankering at a time, and see where He leads me!

PS. Hot chocolate must be off limits too because the hot chocolate I had instead of coffee made me feel like I was going to throw up. And my daughter accidently broke my french press, so I am trying not to think that means anything. Other than I have to go out today and scour the town for a new one, of course. :)

Confession.....

I totally judged someone by their appearance yesterday. I thought I was beyond that. I realized I am just faking being beyond that. I gave this lady a fake smile instead of a real smile because I didn't like the way she looked. The ironic thing is, it was about 5 minutes after I apologized to one of my friends about how I looked. (I had a very busy morning and didn't have any makeup on and had barely run a brush through my hair.) So after I asked God to forgive me and change me, I started thinking, how often do I do that? And also, how honest with myself am I really? How many things do I do in my flesh and not even recognize? I can't just know what is right and wrong, I have to actually live it. I do not want to value people or judge people because of how well they do or do not take care of their bodies. Why I do is completely beyond me because I am not very good at that myself. But you know what? I think less of myself too. And it is all a bunch of nonsense. God loves us for our spirits and souls, He does not despise the weak and brokenhearted. Yes, our bodies are His temples and we can serve Him better if we are strong and healthy but if we just fake it and make our bodies strong and healthy, while our spirits are weak, we will regret it someday. That is all for God to determine, I need to love. Just love. Not judge. Not try and determine strangers emotional and spiritual states in one glance. Not despise, not be jealous, just love. I am glad there is no end to God's power and love or I might be in trouble.

Do you have any appearance "pet peeves"?

Seeing God in Pain?

I was at the beach this weekend with one of my friends. It was beautiful. Very windy, but I love the wind. I was praying that God would be with us in an unexpected way. There were so many shades of blue, in the water and in the sky. I love blue. I was praising Him in my heart and Anni was walking a little ahead of me (I REALLY need to get in shape) and a gust of wind picked up some sand and it stung my legs, harder than I liked. My reaction was "Hey, Lord! That wasn't nice, I was asking you to delight me, not pelt me with sand." (I did not say that to Him, that would be disrespectful, but He knows my heart and that is what my heart said). And the thought came to my mind, "Sometimes, I am in the pain."

I was shocked. I have known pain can be good for me, and that it expedites growth but I had never thought about looking for God in my pain. In pleasure and in beauty, always, but in pain?

Still pondering.....

Heb 12:11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

(And I don't mean "in" in a new-agey, God-is-in-the-trees way, but in a He-did-it-on-purpose way.)

I Love CS Lewis!!

I finally finished The Weight of Glory by CS Lewis. It is actually a collection of different speeches and writings. Some of them, I didn't understand AT ALL. (My fault, not his, of course) But 'The Inner Ring' and 'A Slip of the Tongue' were perspective altering for me. I love getting my world tilted. :)

Listen to this....This is my endlessly recurrent temptation: to go down to that Sea (I think St. John of the Cross called God a sea) and there neither dive nor swim nor float, but only dabble and splash, careful not to get out of my depth and holding on to the lifeline which connects me with my things temporal.

How cool is that?! It was also impacting because I read it while I was at my kid's swimming lessons, watching some of them dive into the water carefree and happy, while other kids screamed and clenched and resisted.

It also reminded me of the Red, White and Black trilogy by Ted Dekker. The swimming part was my favorite of those books.

The thought of swimming in God is beautiful to me. Especially considering that He is also what quenches our thirst. He is big enough for us to drink Him in, until we are full and satisfied, then dive into Him and be completely surrounded by His glory and never swim to the end of who He is..........

Update

So, I told you guys I was asking God to reveal any idols to me. I think He is showing me is that I am not WORSHIPPING anything but Him, but I still have LOTS of dying to self I need to do. Way too much of my life is still about me instead of Him and others. My thoughts are still so much about me. It is amazing how much time we have to think! I remember when I first quit being depressed all the time, I was shocked at how much thought life that freed up. And time. So, if I quit thinking about myself all the time, I will have so much more time! Hmm...for prayer, maybe?


Anybody got anything they would like me to pray about? :)

Sharing His Spirit

I am going to try and think about having God's Spirit from a different angle. On Earth, if we said two people "shared the same spirit" what would we mean? That they were similar. In thoughts and expressions and passions and interests, right? Of course, they could not be united in actuality like we are with Christ. When I think of His Spirit and mine in that light, I see somethings I have never realized before. He is free; from fear, from cowardice, from selfishness, from pride. He is full of hope and joy and light. If I am in the Spirit, I should be more like Him and less like me.



Oh Lord, purify me so I live in Your Spirit and not my own. Teach me to worship You in Spirit and in Truth. To know what is Truth and what is a lie from the enemy to rob us of some of our sweet relationship on Earth. I want to share Your Life Lord, You work, Your hope, Your joy. I want to truly know You, on earth. Paul did, Peter did, David did. All those Marys did. I want all that You have for me. I get lost sometimes in my own flesh, in other people's ideas of what a relationship with You should look like. I want to know You. Purify my heart Lord, make me completely Yours. I ask in Your Name........

Can We Hurt God?

James 4:1-5
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? (James is referring to the Holy Spirit, I checked to be sure)

I came across these verses again, when I was doing my Spirit search and I have been thinking about them off and on. I am not a theologian, so I may be wrong but here is what I came up with.

I wonder if God hates being ignored as much as we do??? Especially by people we love. Have you ever been in that situation? Where you really love someone and you can't tell if they care if you live or die? Well, they would probably go to your funeral, but by the next day, you suspect they would have forgotten all about you? And you want to rant and rave to get their attention, but you are too self-controlled and mature for that. :) (OK, I am being silly now...back to serious.)

This is what these verses say to me: As Christians we have all these ideas of right and wrong and some of us are willing to fight about them, saying we are doing it for God, when really, we are just wanting something. Something we could have, if we learn how to put God first and ask with pure motives. So we are distracted by our wants and the world. And then we can't figure out why we aren't happy. And God isn't happy with the situation either. Seems to me, anyway.

I like the thought of God being jealous because He wants my time and attention, so He can give me what I need and want instead of me scrounging for it and hurting others in the process.

Do you think God hates being ignored or do you think He is above that?

Do I Really Want "More of Him, Less of Me"?

I had a revelation this morning. If I really trust God's timing, I shouldn't be impatient.


Then I had another revelation. I kind of like being impatient.


It is part of my personality and I think it helps me "get things done". Does it really? I doubt it.


Is there any part of your personality that you know is wrong, but you don't want to give up?

In His Name.......

You know how there are words and phrases we throw around all the time and don't really know how to live them out? Love, Faith, Hope, Joy, Walking in the Spirit, Abiding in Christ.....I have asked God to show me what these really mean, what they look like in action. Another one for me was, praying "In Jesus Name."

And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father.

You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit-fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.

In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.

I think I had written "What does this really mean, Lord?" by all of these verses in my Bible. I don't know completely what it means but there is one thing I have learned that is really cool.

He trusts us enough to let us use His name. We come before the Father, and ask Him for something in Jesus Name. Imagine if the president of the United States trusted us enough to let us sign his name on something? Jesus has given us that power.

Obviously, in His mercy and wisdom, we don't get everything we ask for in His name. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. James 4:3. My pleasure used to be my only concern and I couldn't figure out why He never answered my prayers. When I started to ask for things for His glory and kingdom, I was shocked at how quickly and powerfully He answered my prayers. Some things I am still waiting for, but I believe He is doing them. A lot of my selfish, glory~for~me prayers, He is still graciously ignoring. :)

So Much to Learn

For the last ten years, God has been teaching me to love. When I first believed in Jesus, and accepted that He is the only way to the Father, my first lesson was, "It is not about being right, it is about love."

He has called me to love when I feel unappreciated, misunderstood, neglected, even rejected. He taught me love is about giving love. Not receiving love from people. If I love His people unconditionally, He will love me. I go to Him to be loved and filled with love, so I can give it freely to others.

Do I do that perfectly?

Of course not. :) But He has written these things on my heart and I do believe with permanent marker, as Beth likes to say.

Just this morning I am sensing He is moving me to a different subject in the school of life. I think it is called Living Wisely. I'm scared. But a little excited.

Have Your way in me, My Lord. There is nothing better than being changed by you.

Another Need for Patience

I was taking one of my "I must take a walk and pray, or I will not get through this day" walks. I was fussing at God about something I was frustrated with and the thought came to my mind, "It doesn't have to be perfect, Child, is it good?". And what I was fussing about is very, very good ~just not perfect. I was only fussing because I was wanting perfection.

I don't consider myself a perfectionist either.

So then I started wondering if God didn't put this longing for perfection in humans? Or maybe we were created for perfection and that is why we want it so badly? We all say "I know I will never be perfect" and try to forget about perfection ~but we can't. So what if we just decide to be patient instead?

Everything will be perfect someday. But not because we made it that way. :)

All creation anticipates the day when it will join God's children in glorious freedom from death and decay.
-Rom 8:21

What Does God Long For?

O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God's messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings but you wouldn't let me. And now, look, your house is abandoned and desolate.
Matthew 23:37-38

I have been wondering what God is longing for since my last post and this verse keeps coming to my mind. How many times has He tried to show me His love and I have rejected Him? What other things does He want for His children that we are ignoring? That we won't let Him give us?

Good, scary things.

Oh Father, let us fear you in a healthy way. Not in a selfish way. May we trust you enough to let you love us!

Vision

I was laying in bed last night and couldn't fall asleep and didn't have anything to daydream about. So I pray, "Lord, give me a vision, your people perish without vision, you know!" (He knew I was teasing Him) And then I thought, "For who?" Well for myself of course, isn't that usually my first priority? Then I actually thought, "That is boring, give me Your vision for the world" then I started laughing because aren't I something to ask for that! :)

In our small group we have read from Joshua to almost the end of 1 Samuel and it has been so cool for me to see how God orchestrated all of it. He was there, even if the people didn't see any supernatural evidence. And He had a plan for their generation. The people had to decide if they wanted to live out God's desires or their own. So that ended up being my prayer, "Lord, please give me a vision for what you are desiring for this generation". Now I have no idea if God will answer that prayer or not, it may be none of my business and I am fine with that too. I just want more to daydream and pray about. :)

What do you think He is up to in our generation?

Tearing Down Idols

Today I feel like the richest woman in the world. I realized something this morning. There is no value in ANYTHING but Christ. He is my glory. He is my treasure. He is ALL THAT MATTERS. And He is mine.

Beauty has been an idol for me for as long as I could remember. THERE IS NO VALUE IN BEAUTY APART FROM CHRIST!!! If we can be beautiful with Him, to His glory.....Hallelujah! If, like me, we aren't mature enough for it....Hallelujah! He is merciful and only gives us what we can handle.

He is the only glory I want. EVER.

So do not worry, saying,"What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:31-33

Confessions

As I struggle with a touch of sadness from my grandma's death, and my longing for something more (which is with me so much I used to think it was part of who I am) I do immature, impatient things.

Yesterday while I was eating the cookie I got for my husband (yes, I had already eaten mine), I knew I was trying to comfort myself. I knew that when I ate my cookie. I knew I should wait for God to comfort me but I didn't.

The thought came to my mind, "You are not satisfied with me, Child."

I was shocked! "Of course I am Lord, how could I not be?"

"You are satisfied with who I AM, but you are not satisfied in me."

Oh, My Lord, I am so sorry......

Why spend money on what is not bread and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest fare. Isaiah 55:2