Learning to Live

2012-01-29T18:13:00.000-08:00

1 Peter 1:22 (NIV) Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart.

I have been thinking about this verse the last couple of days. THEN God put it on my heart to have a very BIG SCAREY conversation with someone I love very much. I did NOT want to have that conversation but it went so well, and my love was purified. God is so good. I love following Him. He is such a good leader and teacher. ♥

2012-01-27T12:22:00.000-08:00

Whew, 2011 was an interesting ride! And since I got laid off from my fun job that made lots of money (for part-time) I am going to try and start blogging again since I have more time and it is free! Hope to have something more deep and spiritual to share soon...

An Old Newsletter Article From 2005

2011-04-24T11:04:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter Everyone!

I am so thankful I can say that now. I grew up so religious that we couldn't celebrate any holidays! I didn't know what I was supposed to be celebrating anyway. I believed in God, because He made more sense than the Big Bang theory and I did not want to go to hell, but I did not understand why Jesus had to die. I didn't even realize He is God. I thought He was a perfect man that God created to be a good example to us. But I explained to God that if He really wanted this plan to work, He needed to have made us perfect as well, and He didn't!

The resurrection didn't make much sense to me either 'cause didn't that just put Him right back where He started? And why did Jesus have to die, anyway? Couldn't God have come up with a better plan than that? I asked my mom about it, and she said it was so we would know how much God loved us. I thought "He didn't have to go to those extremes, He could just give me everything I want and that would work just as well, if not better!" :) I wasn't taught about holiness and sacrifices and all of the vital information we need to know about His plan. I didn't know know that Jesus lived and died just so He could be WITH me! What a revelation when someone explained the Trinity to me and I realized WHO Jesus is and what He has sacrificed for me!

My favorite thing about Easter is thinking about Jesus' followers. They must have been so grief stricken and disappointed! I am sure there was some serious depression going on! Imagine the hope that flooded their souls when they heard "He is risen!" I get a little taste of this when I get really discouraged about something and then remember or read a verse that reminds me of God's faithfulness and power and that, this is about Him and His plan, not about me and my weaknesses. I also love that Easter is in the Spring, because I really don't like Winter very much and the first sign of Spring fills my heart with that same hope...New Life in Jesus!

May we all experience ~ Renewed Life in Him ~ this Easter Season!

Can we worship without emotions?

2011-04-15T15:49:00.001-07:00

So, I am reading a book by a "spiritual director" and he says something I find very disturbing.

He writes, "Am I supposed to have the same emotional feelings for a God I cannot see that I have for my closest friend? Even on my best of days, that doesn't seem possible."

What?????? Aren't we supposed to be WORSHIPING Jesus? Wouldn't worship be a stronger emotion than friendship?? Wouldn't worship include friendship, (since Jesus says we are His friends) but at the same time transcend friendship to something we can only truly have with one person?

I will do things for Jesus that I would not do for my husband or my kids or my best friends. Why? Well, because first of all, He is never wrong, He is never selfish and I want to please Him more than I want to please anyone else, even myself, (on my good days). Sometimes what the people around me want aren't good things, and sometimes, I would selfishly rather please myself than please them. Shouldn't worship motivate us in a way that friendship or marriage or parenthood would fail to do? Isn't worship the strongest emotional feeling we can have for anyone or anything? Isn't that part of what makes it worship?

There are times I don't have many feelings for God but those are usually times I don't have any good feelings about anyone else or anything else either. I am usually feeling sorry for myself, or exhausted or hungry or worn out or feeling defeated. In those moments, I would not say I am worshiping God either. I would say I have lost sight of Him and am completely focused on myself.

I am so glad God is emotional and created us to have emotions for Him as well!

I don't think I am going to finish this book.

Reminder for myself...

2011-03-22T09:59:00.000-07:00

The Cost of Following Jesus

Luke 9:⁵⁷ As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.”

⁵⁸ Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”

⁵⁹ He said to another man, “Follow me.”

But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”

⁶⁰ Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”

⁶¹ Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.”

⁶² Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”

Safety Check

2011-03-15T07:04:00.000-07:00

I realized something this morning...

I don't need to feel insecure EVER. Because God created me, Jesus saved me, the Spirit is transforming me, I don't need to worry about who I am.

I still need a lot of work. God is not even close to done making me good. I lied to one of my friends yesterday and had to fess up. (And she loved me more for it, which is so wonderfully sweet.)

But I am safe.

Not from pain, not from trials and tests, possibly not from bodily harm, even though I told God I would love it if He keeps me healthy and strong and free from physical harm so I can focus on serving Him, (physical pain is so distracting to me! smile, cough) to feel free to make that happen! But nothing can harm my soul. Nothing will take me out of the hands that formed me and know me and shape my future. Not even my own mistakes. He will never run out of love or patience, grace or power. His heart is my safe place and His heart is always open to me. ♥ I am safe in the only way that matters in the end.

John 8:51 I assure you: If anyone keeps My word,he will never see death—ever! ~ Jesus,The Messiah

Endings and Beginnings...

2011-03-06T20:47:00.001-08:00

I can't believe tomorrow is my last day of work at TRF. I thought I would be there until I was a very old lady. It is funny how quickly life can change sometimes. I woke up on a Sunday morning about a month ago and knew God wanted me to say good-bye to all these people I love so much and a job I have loved so much and follow Him...somewhere. He hasn't exactly shown me that part of this story yet. But I have learned that is the way He leads ~ one step at a time. I am not afraid. Tonight I am sad. Tomorrow will be worse. I have to say good-bye and turn in my key. I know I will stay in touch with some people, but some others I will not really get to hang out with again until we are in heaven, where we will all have plenty of time. I am so thankful for all my years at TRF. For all of the people who have touched my life, my heart. For the women I have had the privilege to love and serve. For the good times and the hard times. I have grown through it all. I have been loved and led and changed there. No Regrets. God is so good...

I really don't think we were made for endings.

Wow, this is intimidating for sure...

2010-09-08T06:37:00.000-07:00

And we are instructed to turn from godless living and sinful pleasures. We should live in this evil world with wisdom, righteousness, and devotion to God,
~Titus 2:12

Doesn't that sound so grown up??

Righteousness

2010-09-03T12:22:00.000-07:00

Wow, there are a lot of verses that have the word "righteousness" in them! This is going to be a much bigger study than I thought.

I have been thinking about righteousness because of this verse, But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (Math 6:33) The NLT translation says it this way, Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

I have loved this verse for a long time, but I have overlooked the part about righteousness. Probably because even the word righteousness intimidates me. A lot. It used to scare me to death, before I realized Jesus gives us HIS righteousness because He knew we couldn't be righteous on our own. But even after realizing that, I tried to ignore righteousness because there seems to be so much responsibility in it and such potential for failure. I feel my heart changing about righteousness though. ONLY because God has put His Holy Spirit in me, I can learn how to do what is right. Right by God's standards, not man's.

Is righteousness just doing what is right by God's standards? Is it that simple? I do so want to please Him...

Blogging again...

2010-08-30T06:05:00.000-07:00

It has been a long, hard summer. But good. God has done some amazing things in my family. I really wish it didn't take pain and tragedy for us to draw closer to Him. Well, it doesn't always, but that does seem the usual route. I have been thinking a lot about righteousness lately. What is it exactly? What does it mean to be righteous and live righteously? I am hoping to have time to really dig into this subject and blog about it soon. :)

I am so glad Jesus said this:

2010-06-03T20:32:00.000-07:00

“If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them wanders away, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others on the hills and go out to search for the one that is lost? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he will rejoice over it more than over the ninety-nine that didn’t wander away! In the same way, it is not my heavenly Father’s will that even one of these little ones should perish."

Loving Him...

2010-05-29T11:09:00.000-07:00

My family is going through a very hard time right now. I don't want to go into details publicly. I just want to say how amazing God is. He keeps showing up in so many little ways. The other day I was wishing there were more birds in our yard. Right now, I am sitting at my kitchen table while a pair of doves build a nest in our wisteria, right outside the window. And He knows doves cooing are one of my favorite sounds. I have been all stressed out about which purse to buy (not that I am super concerned about that now that we are in crisis) but my friend sent me one that I love, unexpectedly. And the sun is shining with the wind blowing just a little bit, which is my favorite weather. But most of all, I feel my God teaching me to trust Him more. Trusting that He loves me and delights in my love (as small as it is) and has good plans for my life and for my family, no matter how painful they are. And that makes everything right.

Why do we reject God's ways????

2010-05-20T07:52:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking about these verses: This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. (Is 30:15) I could be living with a quiet, trusting, restful, strong heart and mind. I have moments of that, but I don't LIVE there. And I could. It is a choice. I want to learn to make better choices. I don't want to neglect the repentance either. That is were it all starts. Instead of freaking out in insecurity because I am sure I am sinning or afraid I am sinning, I can go straight to my Savior and start this beautiful repentance process. I can do it all day long, if I need to. He is big enough. And patient enough. And loving enough. And He wants us to live in strength and dignity. He died so we could be free and in fellowship with Him. I want to choose LIFE!!!!!!!!

Under Whose Influence?

2010-05-14T09:56:00.001-07:00

So, I don't like revelations that make me see the ugly parts of me as much as I like revelations that show the wonderfulness of God.

The good thing is He is willing to exchange our ugly for His beauty if we are willing to cooperate.

I have realized lately that I try and "steer" people a lot. Only for their own good, of course. (insert eye-roll here) I am guessing that another label for that could be arrogance. Ugg, I feel like banging my head on the wall just writing that.

I have gotten better, because I used to try and "steer" people into doing what I wanted and now I try and steer them into doing what I think God wants. I have realized He is perfectly capable of guiding His people without my help.

Well, actually, there are times when He does call me to influence but I want to influence under His command, not my own wisdom. My own wisdom does not see the whole picture, only a tiny piece. If He tells me to speak I want to obey, whether it makes sense or not. If I don't feel prompted by Him, I want to keep my mouth shut and my heart pure and trust Him to lead His people however He sees fit.

I am hoping not too many of you are jumping up and down, praising Him for revealing this to me. :)

Not worthy, but so grateful.

2010-05-03T15:27:00.000-07:00

I have to blog about this because I don't ever want to forget it. And I don't want anyone to think I am bragging because I am humbled to the core (right now, anyway) and so amazed at God's mercy and love. Keep in mind my daughter has one of the sweetest hearts on earth as well.

Laney: Mama, you're the best mom on earth!

Me: You mean for you, right? I know there are better moms out there than me!

Laney: No, I mean you are the best mom on earth.

Me: Baby, I am not even nice!

Laney: Mom, I don't know how to say it. (thoughtful pause) It's not who you are as a mom, it's like who you are as a person, even though you are crabby a lot!

I never thought my kids would esteem me so highly. Not ever. I am so grateful. And I know the teen-age years are coming, so I am treasuring this moment.

:)

2010-04-30T07:32:00.000-07:00

I am feeling very full today. Satisfied with life. I am going to enjoy it like crazy. I am LOVING the new Breaking Free study, although I am driving myself to distraction trying to decide if I am really free or not. But today I am just going to believe that I am. I am alive and free because of what Jesus did for me! He is making me like Himself and He will not fail. And I am going to be choose to be content with where I am in the process. Today. At least this morning. :)

Obsessing about Salt

2010-04-22T08:19:00.001-07:00

Funny how it took me a couple hours to realize that Salt and Light go together. :)

I read this yesterday morning and am still thinking about it: Luke 14:31 “Or what king would go to war against another king without first sitting down with his counselors to discuss whether his army of 10,000 could defeat the 20,000 soldiers marching against him? 32 And if he can’t, he will send a delegation to discuss terms of peace while the enemy is still far away. 33 So you cannot become my disciple without giving up everything you own.
34 “Salt is good for seasoning. But if it loses its flavor, how do you make it salty again? 35 Flavorless salt is good neither for the soil nor for the manure pile. It is thrown away. Anyone with ears to hear should listen and understand!”

Now, we have heard teachings on salt but I still think it is weird that Jesus is talking about counting the cost of being His disciple and then He starts talking about salt. And it isn't like they started out talking about salt, or food, or preserving stuff and came back to it. He just jumps right into talking about salt. Could it be we are only truly salt after we have given up everything that we think we own and followed Him obsessively? Lots to ponder...

Longing for Light

2010-04-20T12:47:00.000-07:00

Luke 11:34 34 “Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. But when it is bad, your body is filled with darkness. 35 Make sure that the light you think you have is not actually darkness. 36 If you are filled with light, with no dark corners, then your whole life will be radiant, as though a floodlight were filling you with light.”

I really want to know what those verses mean. I am wondering if they are about how we look at situations and people in our lives? If we see them in God's light or not? In the light of His love or not? In the light of His truth or not?

I want my whole life to be radiant!

Here's my hope: Psalm 18:28 You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. Yay!

Time's A-flyin'

2010-04-18T12:04:00.000-07:00

Whew, I can't believe it has been a week since Retreat already. It went by so fast. I am still observing the changes that God has made in my heart. I feel stronger in a quiet, peaceful way. And that is good because crazy things started happening before we even left Camp Bradley!

I think my favorite thing about the Retreat was seeing the women relate to each other. I have never seen them appear so comfortable and open with each other. My prayer is always that they would minister to one another because that is what the Church is all about. This year, they did. The baptisms were unforgettable and will be special to me for eternity, I believe.

Today the weather is beautiful, my husband is patiently (yes, a small miracle) teaching Devin how to mow the lawn and I am about to go get groceries and then we are going to go to my brothers and eat the small number of morel mushrooms that we gathered from our all-day search in the sunshine yesterday.

I love Spring. I love God. I love it when everything feels good and right. I have learned to enjoy those times...

My prayer at the moment, thanks Tammy!

2010-04-08T12:28:00.000-07:00

"O Lord, work powerfully, creatively; move in majesty. Send the Divine communication of knowledge, send the impelling mental force of the Holy Spirit acting within us to overshadow our intellect and personalities. Come in power, for Jesus' sake. Amen" ~A.W. Tozer

Kinda strange but I like it!

2010-04-01T06:36:00.001-07:00

I have been running very hot and cold with the blogging lately. Sorry about that. Our Women's Retreat is in a week and a half and I have been super busy. I wanted to get on here this morning and write about a verse I can't quit thinking about though.

Psalm 85:10Steadfast love and faithfulness meet; righteousness and peace kiss each other.

I have been on a quest for peace the last month or so and I keep thinking about this verse. What does it mean Lord? The only thing I have come up with is that from His unfailing love and faithfulness, He gives us His righteousness and His peace, if we are His. It may mean more, but that is what I have been thinking about.

I keep picturing righteousness and peace being strong enough and comfortable enough to kiss in my soul. And yes, I do find that a little weird but what a wonderful thing to think about. For so long, I did not understand that Jesus gives us His righteousness and I was in despair, knowing I would never have any of my own. And as far as peace goes, that would be just as impossible without Him. If you know me at all you know I am not a peaceful person on my own.

I LOVE how He gives us what we are so desperate for! And that is after He makes us desperate for the truly good stuff in the first place...

Philippians 2:13 For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.

Everything We Need

2010-03-17T05:24:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning, the sun was streaming into my living room and kitchen and it made me so happy. I was talking to my kids about it and Laney says, "Mom, we don't like the sun as much as you do." And I said, "What???" She said, "I like the sun, but you are like a sun freak!" And Gabe says, "Yeah Mom, the sun sorta hurts my eyes." First of all, I was surprised because I thought everyone loves the sun like I do and then I thought it was funny that my daughter put it the way she did. But it was really neat because when we went to church on Sunday, I think every worship song we sang said something about the sun. We sang that "Glorious One" song that says, "Light of the world, You outshine the sun." This morning, I read Psalms 84:11 which says, "For the LORD God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right." I love that He can warm up our soul the way the sun can warm up our bodies. That we need Him to grow and flourish in any way that matters. I love that He shines His face upon us and it is all we need. Since, you know, He is also the Living Water and Bread of Life. ♥

First Correction of Last Post

2010-03-10T06:58:00.000-08:00

I don't believe Jesus was saying we shouldn't want food and clothes and laughter and riches. In speaking of these things as often as he did, he was more saying he knows those are the things we will want. But he is telling us, "There is something better than those things, don't focus on what you don't have on this earth, don't work and strive for these temporary things, live for the Kingdom of Heaven. You won't be sorry if you give up your life and wants and wishes, for my will."

He is so wonderful and wise. My heart is singing to Him right now. But my sick, whiny kids are about to get up, don't know how long it will last. Because, you know, I haven't learned to live beyond my circumstances very well yet. :)

Do we live like we believe this?

2010-03-10T05:57:00.000-08:00

So, I just finished reading Luke 6 and realized how much I am not living this out. To think this is what we are supposed to desire is shocking to my system. Kinda turns everything all upside down:

20Looking at his disciples, he said: "Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. (I always thought this was for poor people, not for me, so they could feel better about their circumstances, very embarrassing admission.) 21Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. (I hate being hungry and find it very annoying and painful) Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh. (I much prefer laughter to weeping) 22Blessed are you when men hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man (I thought we were supposed to live in such a way that no one can find any fault with us, let alone call us evil! ) 23"Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, (I more picture myself bawling on the floor under these circumstances) because great is your reward in heaven. For that is how their fathers treated the prophets.

24"But woe to you who are rich, for you have already received your comfort. 25Woe to you who are well fed now, for you will go hungry. Woe to you who laugh now, for you will mourn and weep. 26Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets. (This is more how I see American Christian, myself included, living our "lives of faith")

It seems to me that we pray for the direct opposite of what Jesus was saying here. And I don't think we need to whip ourselves and start wearing hair shirts, life has many opportunities for suffering. I just realized how much of my time and energy and focus is on having all these things that Jesus tells us we should do without. Whoa. Scary moment!

Wonderful Wirlwind Weekend

2010-03-08T06:08:00.000-08:00

This weekend was so fun. It was Delayna's 11th Bday party. The kids went rollerskating and spent the night at Julene's since it was also Riley's 11th Bday party. And I farmed the rest of the kids out, so Jason and I had our (I think) 4th night/day alone in 14 years! Kala also unexpectedly came to town and surprised everyone which was so great because we have been missing her so much since she moved up to Timbuktu (Wallawa County). So we all went to Porters and spent way too much money but it was yummy and it was so wonderful to all be together again. AND Jason and I finally got cell phones, so make sure you get my number if you want it. Incoming calls are free. So I may be able to stay under my minutes. :)

More from John Franklin (slightly re-arranged by Tawny)

2010-03-02T16:17:00.000-08:00

I have wanted a good definition of this for years, I think I finally have one.

Walking with God:
Paying the price in time, prayer, and sacrifice to understand God's perspective of our life and work. Once understanding it, diligently setting about our Father's business. As we pour out our lives in rolled-up sleeves, sweat (tears!) and service for His purposes, we will feel God's power course through us. When this pattern of seeing as God sees and working with Him become a day-in, day-out lifestyle, the Bible calls it "walking with God."

In the book of Acts the entire church demonstrated this kind of relationship with God and consequently the power of God flowed through the whole church.

Doesn't that sound amazing??!

The Importance of Corporate Prayer

2010-03-01T06:36:00.000-08:00

I am reading a book one of my friends gave me called, "And the Place Was Shaken" by John Franklin. I only read the first couple of chapters but I LOVED it and wanted to share. He studied Jesus' teachings on prayer and according to him, "Out of those thirty-seven verses [from the Gospels] the word you was plural in thirty-three of the thirty-seven verses. You can be either singular or plural in English, but there is a difference in the Greek. Given the individualistic nature of American society, most people tend to read it as a singular even when the opposite is true."

So far, this guy's point is that God moves much more powerfully when two or three are met together in His name, asking for His will. The author says that in the Old Testament God moved much more often when just one person prayed, (and He still can and will) but in the New Testament, under the New Covenant, God is more often moved by His people asking for something together. He also says that God's people were never described as His Body until the New Testament and that is part of the reason the author believes God wants His people to pray together. It is part of our inter-dependence.

This rings so true to me. I see God's people LOVING to pray together in the New Testament. I have also walked in late by to a prayer meeting before and been overwhelmed by the beauty of God's people praying together. I didn't realize that my heart was so moved because His heart is. I have also received shockingly clear answers when I pray with other people about something that I don't normally receive when I just pray by myself.

I am very excited to pray with His people tonight!

I ♥ SPRING!

2010-02-27T12:31:00.000-08:00

What a wildly wonderful world, God! You made it all, with Wisdom at your side, made earth overflow with your wonderful creations. Oh, look—the deep, wide sea, brimming with fish past counting, sardines and sharks and salmon. Ships plow those waters, and Leviathan, your pet dragon, romps in them. All the creatures look expectantly to you to give them their meals on time. You come, and they gather around; you open your hand and they eat from it. If you turned your back, they'd die in a minute— Take back your Spirit and they die, revert to original mud; Send out your Spirit and they spring to life— the whole countryside in bloom and blossom.

Psalms 104:24 The Message

March Discipline

2010-02-26T13:57:00.000-08:00

Walking and praying. Together. As often as possible. But not in the rain. Drizzle is ok, but no rain.

Needy! Needy I am.

2010-02-25T08:47:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time since I haven't got up before my kids. Jason tells me good-bye at 5am and I usually get up, drink some coffee and read my Bible and pray until 6:15 or so, get ready for work and then get my kids up. I don't know if Jason told me good-bye or not this morning, but I know I didn't wake up until Gabe started wandering around the house talking about the quesidillas he had to make this morning for a school project. I was CRANKY! It made me laugh. Ok, definitely still need to spend time with God before I am fit to be with humans!

Honoring the Body

2010-02-24T06:38:00.000-08:00

I guess I should report in how my February discipline of honoring the body is going.

Interestingly.

I didn't end up following that plan - surprise, surprise. But I have been thinking a lot about what it means to honor my body and have learned for sure that I don't. It is more like a punching bag to take my anxiety out on. So, lots of room to grow in this area.

Unfailing Love

2010-02-23T13:37:00.000-08:00

I have been devouring the Psalms lately. I usually am only so-so about the Psalms which is strange because I love David so much. But I get tired of all of his vengeance issues. (Is that a guy thing, or a personality thing?) They haven't been bothering me lately though. I am just finding the Psalms so comforting and relevant to what my heart seems to need right now. I have also been noticing how often the psalmist speak of trusting in God's "unfailing love". Over and over, talking about His unfailing love. His love never fails. Mine does. Yours does. His doesn't. We can trust in Him alone. So glad.

Toothbrush Drama

2010-02-03T06:28:00.001-08:00

I few weeks ago, my facebook status said this: Tawny Moore just realized that singing while you are brushing your teeth can get messy. :)

This morning I realized that crying while you brush your teeth can be dangerous! If you do one of those inhale, sobby things you will inhale a bunch of toothpaste and possibly choke yourself.

I did both the singing and the crying while praying, so I must conclude that praying while you brush your teeth can make for a very interesting start to a day!

February Practice

2010-02-01T09:44:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about my February discipline...

I keep remembering Ron's sermon when he talked about the different areas of our life; spiritual, intellectual, physical, emotional and I can't remember the last one, financial? Blech. No, wait, it was social, much better! I know I am weakest in the physical area. One of the magazines I like has a 28 day taking better care of yourself plan and Feb has 28 days this year. Combining all that with my rapidly increasing feelings of insanity during my curseful part of the month, I am thinking I should work on my physical self in February. I will make February my "honoring the body" month.

Physical stuff has always bored me to death unless I get myself all pumped up on vanity, which God won't let me do anymore, so I do not do a very good job of taking care of my physical self. I do get enough sleep. I love to exercise, I just love to read more. I do eat decent (I love fruits and veggies and whole grains) when I take the time to prepare something instead of just eating whatever is closest or easiest, or am not eating too much because I forgot to eat before and got too hungry. And also as long as there isn't anything sweet around. :)

I am actually afraid to do this though. I have failed almost completely staying off the computer in Jan, so what makes me think I can attempt an even bigger project in Feb? Oh, well, I can attempt it of course, but do attempts even count??? They don't for losing weight, I know that for sure, but I think they must for pleasing God. Otherwise, there wouldn't be any hope for us! And just for the record, I am NOT doing this to lose weight. I am doing this to hopefully help my body combat whatever is making me almost lose my mind 2 weeks out of every month! And attempting to practice some discipline. I will NEVER be good at that if God doesn't help me!

Wondering...

2010-01-21T07:24:00.000-08:00

1 Corinthians 1:8-10 (New Living Translation)

8 He will keep you strong to the end so that you will be free from all blame on the day when our Lord Jesus Christ returns. 9 God will do this, for he is faithful to do what he says, and he has invited you into partnership with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

What do you suppose it means to be in "partnership" with Jesus?

Simple Pleasures

2010-01-17T14:05:00.001-08:00

This has been a very strange weekend. My RAGING hormonal problems have revealed some things about my heart to me. First off, there is still a part of me that Jesus' light needs to penetrate, a part that is still dark and horrible. I thought it was gone. God will have to take care of that. I don't know what I can do about it. Second of all, I am paranoid of pleasure. I have always loved simple pleasures. Water, sunlight, books, good food, going to bed at night. But I am also deeply afraid that I will love those things more than God, so there is a whole lot of fear mixed in with my thankfulness, which almost ruins it completely. I realized how ridiculous that is. There was a time in my life that I may have loved other pleasures more than God Himself, but not now. I know He is the greatest, most delightful, most rewarding pleasure available to us humans. I hope this knowledge sets me free to enjoy the simple pleasures that God has provided for us to enjoy. I am hoping I can think of them as "little glimpses of heaven" where everything will be good and pure and pleasurable and I won't automatically feel anxious every time I enjoy something. Oh, and I am going to start taking B vitamins again too!

Not just wishful thinking...

2010-01-15T07:48:00.000-08:00

All of these spiritual discipline books I have been reading talk a lot about transformation. I have always been fascinated by transformation. Definitely a "Ugly Duckling and the Swan" fan. And a Grease and Grease 2 fan. :) I love that I am believing now that God loves transformation even more than I do. He wants to make us like Jesus. I have heard that and known that for years but now I am realizing how delightful and beautiful that is. I always thought about it from a more external perspective, as in, we are supposed to act like Him. But to realize we can learn how to be like Him on the inside; to think like Him, to love like Him, to have His joy and His hope and His wisdom. Talk about healthy! :)

Favorite quotes from "The Life You've Always Wanted." Finished it.

2010-01-08T11:13:00.000-08:00

Now, with God's help, I shall become myself. ~ Soren Kierkgaard

I could not quiet that pearly ache in my heart that I diagnosed as the cry of home. ~Pat Conroy

The primary goal of spiritual life is transformation....If we cannot be transformed, we will settle for being informed or conformed. ~ John Ortberg

Tragically, conventional religious goodness manages to be both intimidating and unchallenging at the same time. ~ Steven Mosley

A Christian is a perfectly free lord of all, subject to none.
A Christian is a perfectly dutiful servant of all, subject to all.
~Martin Luther

Joy is the serious business of heaven. ~CS Lewis

God is the happiest being in the universe...And God's intent was that his creation would mirror his joy....Joy is a command. Joylessness is a serious sin, one that religious people are particularly prone to indulge in...Joy is strength. Its absence will create weakness.~John Ortberg

We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. ~ Winston Churchhill

If the Bible were to completely fulfill its mission, our minds would be so transformed - so filled with thoughts and feelings of truth, love, joy, and humility - that our lives would become one uninterrupted series of acts of grace and moral beauty. ~ John Ortberg

It's morphing time. ~John Ortberg

Singing Heart

2010-01-07T15:40:00.000-08:00

I am so very much rejoicing right now!

Something I have been longing for, for years, is happening.

I usually miss these moments.

I worry that it is not REALLY happening.

Or that it won't last.

Not this time. God is doing it.

I am just rejoicing.

Update

2010-01-06T07:53:00.000-08:00

So, I was driving into work today, feeling like a failure. Because I am failing. And I realized my failures do not diminish God's love for me one bit. He still loves me passionately. And that is enough for me to have joy and even be content in the midst of my failure. He will not fail to make me who He wants me to be. I am willing, He is able. It is amazing to me that my best is good enough for Him, even when it isn't good at all.

Thank you LORD that my life is not about me, it is about You!

Ugg...

2010-01-06T05:57:00.000-08:00

I am not good at this denying myself stuff. I got on the computer last night. I was bored and cranky and pretty much out of control with every area of my life. I yelled at my kids, ate a bunch of cookies I didn't even want and then came and got on the computer. Not for long. Jason came and told me the longer I was on here the worse I would feel and made me get off. So I went and ate some more cookies. Good thing I am not fasting! :)

I am going to restart again today. I didn't check my emails before I got on here to confess my failures and I am getting off right now!

Oh and I also have to complain that there was a big tub of yogurt in my cupboard this morning, I guess I should have been paying a little bit more attention as my children put the groceries away, but really, they don't know yogurt goes in the fridge yet???

It may be a VERY long day! I better go pray some more...

Glory

2010-01-05T05:32:00.000-08:00

I was feeling badly this morning because I prayed last night, in front of some people, and I thanked God that it is through surrendering to Him, bending our knees and our wills to Him, that we receive everything we have always wanted. I went on to acknowledge that for me, anyway, it is through brokenness that I receive joy. When I allow my heart to be broken by my sin and unlikeness to Christ, He strengthens and encourages me. He changes me and that gives me great joy. I am fine with all that, but then I went on to thank Him that He came to earth in brokenness and not with pomp and glory like we would. And I am feeling badly because that is not true. He did come in glory and He was not broken. But He came in His kind of glory, not ours. He made himself vulnerable and He put himself in situations and He responded in ways that made people think He was weak or arrogant or extreme. He let Himself be misunderstood, by people He loved dearly. He went to the Cross. He only cared about doing the will of the Father. That is true glory. I want to be like that.

His will. Nothing more. Nothing less. Nothing else.

(That was in the book I am reading called Sacred Rhythms and I loved it!)

Help me Lord, I am soooooo far from that right now...

So...

2010-01-02T09:51:00.000-08:00

if I talk my family into reading my emails to me, is that cheating? ;)

Practicing, Day 1

2010-01-01T11:11:00.000-08:00

What a lovely morning. Other than my slight headache from staying up until 1:00 am. We just ate sausage and biscuits and my mom's fresh eggs. Oh and grapefruit and coffee and are getting ready to take a walk.

And nope, I did not check my emails when I got on the computer to write this. And it wasn't even hard. Of course, this is hour two, of day one, so I am assuming it will get much harder.

I read part of "The Life You've Always Wanted" by John Ortberg this morning. I thought I had read it, but if I did, it must not have been the right time, because I am LOVING it now and I don't even remember it from before.

Anyway, there were a couple things I found very encouraging because I am not a very disciplined person by nature. First off, he said Abraham Lincoln was "notoriously disorganized." Abe had a file in his law office labeled"If you can't find it anywhere else, try looking here." I put a smiley face by that!

Then John wrote this, "A disciplined follower of Jesus-a "disciple"- is not someone who has "mastered the disciplines" and never misses a daily regimen of spiritual exercises. A disciplined follower of Jesus is someone who discerns when laughter, gentleness, silence, healing words, or prophetic indignation is called for, and offers it promptly, effectively, and lovingly."

I can be excited about that!

Love this!

2009-12-31T08:31:00.000-08:00

Luke 12:30-32 (NLT)

³⁰ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers all over the world, but your Father already knows your needs. ³¹ Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need.

³² “So don’t be afraid, little flock. For it gives your Father great happiness to give you the Kingdom. ♥

Shhh....

2009-12-30T17:45:00.000-08:00

I have been reading some books on spiritual disciplines recently and I am very intrigued. I have decided to focus on a different discipline each month in 2010. I am very excited about it actually. I chose disciplines that I would like to make part of my everyday life anyway. Some of them I already do, but I will try to make them more intense or different during the month I focus on that discipline. I figure since I lived through 2009 (it was a very hard year for me) I can pretty much do anything, through Christ. Oh, yeah, the Bible mentions something like that, huh? :)

In January, I am going to practice silence. Internet silence, to be specific. Only when I am at home though. I need to check my emails at work but I am feeling like that is the noisiest part of my internal life at home. Not to mention my favorite way of wasting time. I would LOVE to add TV silence, but that won't go well with submitting to my husband's desires. :)

So, if I don't immediately get back to you when you email me, you will know why. I will still blog, I just won't be able to check my comments...

And I am PRACTICING, so if I fail, I will just get back up and start over. It will not be the end of the world and it won't mean I am a complete and utter failure. That is why this can be fun instead of extreme torment and torture.

Reflection Time

2009-12-27T13:34:00.000-08:00

Mmmm....

New Beginnings.

I love them.

Especially now that things actually change!

Because God is working.

In me and in you.

So much Hope in Him...

I love good books!

2009-12-16T18:30:00.000-08:00

I just finished "What difference do it Make?" by Ron Hall and Denver Moore. It was the book the publisher sent to me that I was so excited about. I was not disappointed, I loved it. I don't usually like sequels as well as the originals, so I was happy that I like it even better than "Same Kind of Different as Me". If you are interested, it would be best to read them both, in order. They are about a wealthy man and a homeless man becoming friends and God doing His beautiful thing in them. It is a true story, very interesting and inspiring.

Dang it, Dang it, Dang it!

2009-12-15T16:01:00.000-08:00

So, I am driving, trying to figure out how I can sneak $25 more dollars from Jason so I can get him one more present for Christmas, and these FLASHES went off around me. Apparently, I had entered a school zone. One of those speed trap vans were there. And I was going 30 instead of 20. ARRRGGGG. Now I am just hoping that the fine is only $200 and that he won't make me take back the presents I already bought and wrapped for him today. Pout, pout, pout. I sorta prayed that we wouldn't get the ticket but then I thought that was dumb. I was speeding and why shouldn't I pay for a ticket? But I DO think the city shouldn't put those stupid vans out during the Christmas season. Don't people have enough financial pressure this time of the year????!!!!! I guess they need money too...

Ugg...

2009-12-14T06:59:00.000-08:00

Ok, I think it is time for another personal retreat day. I feel like my heart is a disaster area right now. Like I should wear a banner of that yellow tape that says, "Caution, Danger Ahead" until God gets my heart back in order. And it is weird, I usually don't have things lurking around under the surface. Lately, I think I am fine and then find myself all upset about something I thought I had made peace with. One of my friends said in her Christmas letter that the older we get, the more we have to rely on God. Definitely agreeing at the moment.

But were do you go for a day of solitude in the winter??? I best figure it out! :)

Yay!

2009-12-10T14:33:00.000-08:00

Guess what I got in the mail yesterday? A free book from a publisher! Because of my blog. So cool. After I read it, I will give you the scoop. :)

Friendship

2009-12-08T06:45:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking a lot about friendship lately. True, deep friendship. The kind that has been through the fire of difficulty and come out more refined and stronger. I looked up some friendship verses in Proverbs this morning. These are the verses I don't want to forget. The things I want to practice.

Proverbs 17:9
Love prospers when a fault is forgiven,but dwelling on it separates close friends.
Proverbs 17:17a
A friend is always loyal
Proverbs 18:24
There are “friends” who destroy each other,but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.
Proverbs 27:6
Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.
Proverbs 27:9
The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense
Proverbs 27:17
As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.
Proverbs 29:5
To flatter friends is to lay a trap for their feet.

And to my friends that make my life so much richer, who love me, challenge me, and believe in me when I have failed them time and time again, who have made me better by their presence in my life, Thank you.

How is this possible?

2009-12-01T14:06:00.000-08:00

Yay! It is December 1st! I am excited about the holidays this year.

So, I was reading 1 John this morning and got so much good stuff out of it. I may have blogged about this verse before because it shocks me every time I read it:

1 John 4:12 No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.

Full expression??? Really Lord? That just scares me to death.

I can barely grasp Him loving me, and then to think I am supposed to love others like that too? Scary, scary!

I will do a little more research on this verse and share it with you if I find anything interesting. :)

**Update**

So, most of the other translations say, "His love is perfected in us" or "His love is made complete in us". Not nearly as scary to me. That sounds like something that could happen that no one else would notice. Which, is not realistic at all. If we knew someone who had let God have His way in them, so much that they had a complete/perfected love for other people, we would notice. I think what impacts me the most about all of this is God's desire to be seen in us. So much responsibility! So far to go...

Sick Buddies

2009-11-17T07:50:00.000-08:00

I just have to say Jason is a very good sick buddy. We laid on the couch all day together yesterday and it was really fun, in a coughy sort of way. He is out getting more movies right now. He is feeling better today, so I will probably be on my own tomorrow, but for today, I will enjoy my sick buddy. :)

Yes, we are rash sometimes...

2009-11-11T20:17:00.000-08:00

But isn't he cute?

Happy Veteran's Day

2009-11-11T15:03:00.000-08:00

My sweet husband gave me a kiss this morning and thanked me for serving my country! (Trust me, I didn't do much!)

Life Stuff

2009-11-09T12:56:00.001-08:00

I think we are mostly recovered from Poppy's death. (In case you don't know my daughter's dog got ran over on Thurs night.) Laney and all the cousins had quite the funeral at my brother's house. Now we have to figure out what to replace him with. We don't want another dog and Jason is allergic to cats. This should be interesting!!

Desperate for Humility

2009-11-05T06:55:00.000-08:00

Ok, I am writing about this, because I don't ever want to forget it. I doubt I will because I have been slammed with it lately. But still, writing about it is another way to work it into my heart. I read Mathew 23 this morning. Jesus was ummm... ripping the Pharisee's pride to shreds. Of course, it didn't humble them, it just made them start plotting murder.

Verse 8 says, "Don't let anyone call you 'Rabbi,'for you have only one teacher, and all of you are equal as brothers and sisters... Vs 11-12 "The greatest among you must be a servant. But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.

I don't want to THINK I am better than anyone else. EVER, for any reason. And I don't want to ACT like I am better than anyone else, either. I wish there was a permanent way to like cut something physically off, pluck out an eye or something, so it was done once, for all time, and obvious to everyone. (And not so everyone would see, but so they would always know I am for them, not against them, and then I wouldn't have to worry about the "acting like" part.) But there isn't, so I will just have to trust God to answer my prayer, "Lord, make me humble, keep me humble. Please, please, please! I so don't want to dishonor Your name by thinking I am more than I am. Or that you don't love every one of Your little ones as much as You love me. Forbid it Lord, that I should think I am better than anyone else, EVER. Change my heart to love Your people well! I ask in Your Name!"

My Word for the Day

2009-11-03T05:39:00.000-08:00

I keep thinking about gentleness. I thought I figured this out already, when I prayed for gentleness with my kids, but apparently I still have lots to learn. I was thinking about that verse, "Let your gentleness be evident to all..." last night when I went to bed. What is gentleness, exactly? So I looked up that verse in a bunch of different versions. There were a wide variety of words used there; graciousness, forbearance, unselfishness, reasonableness, and of course, gentleness. I looked up The Message translation and look how cool this passage is:

Philippians 4:4-6 (The Message)

Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him! Make it as clear as you can to all you meet that you're on their side, working with them and not against them. Help them see that the Master is about to arrive. He could show up any minute!

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Isn't that cool?! And, if anyone would like to share with me what gentleness means to them, I would love it! :)

Already?

2009-11-02T06:49:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it is November!

Joy in Suffering

2009-10-30T10:55:00.000-07:00

I have a theory:

Most of us miss out on the LIFE we could have in Christ because we are afraid to obey Him. We obey him in the obvious things; don't cheat on your spouse or taxes, go to church, don't beat kids behind closed doors. But we are afraid to obey Him in the LOVE things; have that conversation, be vunerable, tell that person what you really believe, how you really feel, call that lady and tell her you care about her.

And with the people who have loved us but hurt us sometimes, we harden our hearts and let them grow cold when He wants us to keep our hearts open and soft and vunerable.

We are afraid of taking the risk of rejection. Rejection causes suffering. Is there a worse kind?

But if we are willing, God works. He changes us. He changes others through us. We get to worship Him with our lives not just our mouths.

But the sweetest part, the most beautiful part; we get to share in His suffering that way. Who can offer themselves in love more than He did? Who can be more rejected than He was? He understands our feelings and He blesses us with His pleasure when we get to share in the tiniest glimpse of that suffering. When we are willing to pour our lives out for others, even when they have no idea what we are going through for them, He blesses us with Himself. There is NOTHING I love better than hearing Him saying, "I am pleased with you, Child" in my heart. I don't want to miss one bit of His will for my life. Not one thought, not one word, not one breath. I want to live out every single bit of His plan for my life. I don't want to be afraid to suffer. He calls me to suffer. And to rejoice in that suffering!

I praise you Lord and ask that I would truly be willing to do ANYTHING you ask me to do. Make me who You want me to be, that is all I want...

Gal 5:6b The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

1Pet 4:12-13Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad—for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world.

Question of the Day

2009-10-23T05:53:00.000-07:00

What is gentleness?

Phil 4:4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I picked up "The Mind of Christ" by TW Hunt. He said the oposite of gentleness is hardness and the perversion of gentleness is being too soft.

Jesus was gentle. Always. But the whips in the temple and the "Get behind me, Satan" do not seem gentle. So it must be a state of heart. I need it. I also need the peace which transcends all understanding. I am so thankful that all we need comes directly through Him. If all we have is Jesus, we can be complete.

I love His people though, I don't want to ever be without them. Thankfully, He feels the same way. :)

Devin 7th Grade

2009-10-22T05:15:00.000-07:00

Availability

2009-10-21T06:18:00.000-07:00

You know one of the things I love about Jesus?

He makes Himself available to us all the time. It may not always feel that way, but if we seek Him, we will find Him. He wants to be with us even more than we want to be with Him. Sometimes A LOT more.

I love that I don't have to make an appointment to be with Him. I can just say His name, and He listens.

Amazing, the most important Being in the universe wants to be at my side. All the time.

Ok, that just makes me cry.

Micah 6:8
He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Secrets and Mysteries

2009-10-20T06:21:00.000-07:00

I think it is so exciting that Jesus said this to His disciples. Which means it could apply to you and I:

Matthew 13:11-12 (Amplified Bible)
11And He replied to them, To you it has been given to know the secrets and mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it has not been given.

12For whoever has [spiritual knowledge], to him will more be given and he will be furnished richly so that he will have abundance; but from him who has not, even what he has will be taken away.

If we know Him, we have access to all the secrets of the universe. The important ones, anyway!

The True Family of Jesus

2009-10-19T05:35:00.000-07:00

Matthew 12:46-50 (New Living Translation)

46 As Jesus was speaking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, asking to speak to him. 47 Someone told Jesus, “Your mother and your brothers are outside, and they want to speak to you.”
48 Jesus asked, “Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?” 49 Then he pointed to his disciples and said, “Look, these are my mother and brothers. 50 Anyone who does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother!”

I am reading through the Gospels in the mornings. I already read Mark.

I have the strangest feeling when I read the Gospels. I read them over and over when I was little and liked Jesus less and less. Of course, I didn't have His Spirit inside of me to open up my understanding. I did not see His humility. I thought He expected WAY too much of us. This was one of the passages I thought were mean. Why would He treat His mother like that?

Now I love it.

He does not love His mother or brother or sister less, just because He includes me in His natural born family, since I obey His Heavenly Father as much as He makes me able.

Yay, He calls me His sister. What a wonderful thing to think about as I go attempt to do something with my hair.

Circling the Mountain

2009-10-13T14:55:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a roller-coaster ride the last couple of weeks has been! The first week, I was on such a high, it was almost ridiculous. :) Then I sorta crashed. I say sorta, because it could have been a lot worse! I realized my old high is now my low, so life is definitely getting better. The more my perspective changes the better things get. It is amazing how much of our lives are in our minds! I was thinking about that analogy of circling a mountain. Dealing with the same things, but less intensely and more quickly as we grow. It seems very true for me at the moment.

The Adventure Has Begun!

2009-10-01T07:30:00.000-07:00

I read in a book recently that every day should be an adventure. I thought, "Really? Every day? Is that possible? That would be so cool! I am happy if one day a week is an adventure! If everyday adventure is possible, I WANT it!"

Lately, everyday has been an adventure. I am loving it. This feels like LIFE to me!

I am even forgetting to eat! That usually only happens at the Retreat once a year. :)

I know the REAL adventure began the day I gave my life to Jesus, but I still believed so many lies and my heart was still such a mess.

I am still a mess, but I KNOW God is Good. I have HOPE and JOY in Him and I know He is making me good and righteous and complete for His pleasure, through His strength, since you know, I don't have any.

Bring it on, My Lord!

Ahhh...

2009-09-30T06:50:00.000-07:00

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." ~Jesus, who is the ultimate authority on all things Life...

Just wondering...

2009-09-29T06:56:00.000-07:00

So, how do you suppose rejoicing and the extremely irritable time caused by the "curse" work together???

They aren't working well together for me about now...

Only one of them is working.

And it is not the rejoicing part.

Ugg, time to go get my kids out of bed...

For Leaders

2009-09-23T20:39:00.000-07:00

Go to the people
Live among them
Learn from them
Love them
Start with what they know
Build on what they have
But of the best leaders,
When their task is done,
The people will remark,
"We have done it ourselves!"

~Unfortunately, I forgot to write down where I got this. It's not mine, I will say that. :)

I am a mess but Jesus loves me :)

2009-09-21T06:44:00.000-07:00

I ate too much yesterday. Not because I wanted to, but because I couldn't stop myself. I was praying about it this morning and asking, "Lord, why do I do this? Where is it coming from? What is motivating me?"

I realized that when I was about 10yrs old I started to feel deeply insecure. I was starting to see the sin in myself and the sin in those around me. All was not right with the world. I knew about God, and a lot of what I knew wasn't even true. I did not know His character or His heart for His people and I certainly did not believe in His goodness. I had no hope.

I have come to love Him and trust Him as an adult but there is a part of me that still feels very shaky. That doesn't trust the future, doesn't trust myself. And since I totally lost it in church Sat night and started laughing and could not stop and felt badly for being disrespectful and out of control, I ate all day yesterday.

Oh my Lord, come and heal all of the messed up places in me. The ones I can see and the ones I can't. I want to be whole, in You. I want to reflect You as clearly as a human can. I don't want to be a slave to my insecurities. I want to trust You so fiercely that insecurities are not a part of who I am. Especially insecurities that are 27 years old! Life will be hard, yes, I accept that. Help me to trust that You will always be good. And that Your sacrifice makes me whole, not my own thoughts and behavior. I am not trustworthy Lord, but You are. And it is Your goodness and faithfulness that I can trust to make all things right in the world. Someday. Make me good through Your power and strength in the meantime. Thank you for loving me despite my complete lack of worthiness. I love You.

I love these verses...

2009-09-21T06:21:00.000-07:00

Hosea 6 NLT
1 “Come, let us return to the Lord.
He has torn us to pieces;
now he will heal us.
He has injured us;
now he will bandage our wounds.
2 In just a short time he will restore us,
so that we may live in his presence.
3 Oh, that we might know the Lord!
Let us press on to know him.
He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn
or the coming of rains in early spring.”

Measuring Success

2009-09-18T08:59:00.000-07:00

How should leaders/pastors/elders/shepherds measure success? Evangelists would probably measure it by the people that take that first step of belief and the angels are rejoicing, we know that. Would all of the different roles that leaders play, measure it differently? Or should we not even have a measure of success and only go by of our level of obedience? Or both? What do you think?

Calmness

2009-09-16T06:03:00.000-07:00

I embarrassed myself recently. Not just my average, slightly embarrassed because I said something slightly stupid. Nope, this was one of those deep, painful, embarrassments when death sounds preferable to walking among other humans again. I was really surprised at how I reacted. I hit the floor, praying. I cried out to my Lord to come sooth my soul. He was sweet, and let me feel His presence almost immediately.

Me: Oh Lord, please teach me how to be quiet!!!!

Him: (In my spirit, something like) Smiling slightly, "Child, you don't necessarily have to be quieter. You do need to be calm."

And then I just rested in His presence and let His peace flow until I was healed of the pain.

Then I asked Him to teach me wisdom with my words and that there would be way less idle ones. And I remembered the whole 'quiet means calm' thing I posted about last time. I am thinking it was very wise of Him to put calmness with rejoicing. In my case, they seem to desperately need each other.

And don't ask me what I was embarrassed about, I won't tell you. :)

Tradin it In!

2009-09-14T06:22:00.000-07:00

I went to a women's seminar this weekend and I want to share my favorite part. One of the teachers explained the greek definition of "quiet and gentle" from the passage about women in one of Peter's letters. Quiet meant, "calm" or "tranquil" and gentle meant, "anger far from me".

This is very exciting to me because it fits so well with what God has been speaking to me about rejoicing. I saw a chart some time ago and it showed underlying emotions for different personalities. If I remember right, they were; fear, peace, optimism and I know mine was anger. I totally identified with that. Anger has been my fuel since I was ten. Not an out-of-control anger, but an underlying anger that moved me to go in certain directions.

So now I can see that God is asking me to trade all that anger in for rejoicing! To have rejoicing be my fuel instead of anger. What a wonderful trade! Of course this is a process, so I may still rant and rave and fuss and fume occasionally, but hopefully, there will be a whole lot more rejoicing and trusting my wonderful God to make things right.

Possiblities

2009-09-11T07:34:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I woke up in a Super Bad Mood, wanted to kill the dogs and maim my husband (he woke me up a couple too many times during the night) and prayed like crazy and had a wonderful day. This morning I woke up in a Super Good Mood and am hoping I still have a good day? Better still pray like crazy. Right after I am done blogging. :) I have been having all sorts of fun questions rolling around in my head lately. What does it look like to "inquire of the Lord"? Actually, what does it look like to be answered after one does inquire? And I am extremely excited about the rejoicing thing. It must be possible to rejoice even in the worst of suffering or Jesus would not have told us we would have trouble but also to rejoice. I am believing there is a whole world of possibilities and wonder available to me that I never thought was possible.

Is there anything you think God wants to give you that your lack of belief is preventing?

Goals

2009-09-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

So, I just read this book called "Wild Goose Chase". I really liked it. But at the end he challenged us to have goals and I am wrestling with that. I used to have lots of goals. The ones that didn't happen frustrated me and the ones that did, would have happened whether I planned for them or not. I just tended to think I got some credit since I met the goal. I have pretty much decided to do my best to follow the Spirit each day and see what God does. That has been way more fun and much more satisfying. Am I missing out by not having goals? My only goal now is to please God and figure out what love is and how to do it. And that will cover about the next 80 years and then I don't have to try and sort this stuff out anymore. Hmm...

First Day of School

2009-09-08T14:46:00.000-07:00

Got the kids off to school. The two little ones got the teachers we were hoping for. Yay!

Jason came home early because he isn't feeling good, so Meet the Parents (a horrible movie in my opinion) is invading the first blogging time I have had in three months. That's ok, it is better than listening to him throw up in the bathroom. :) He has the scariest sounding pukes I have ever heard. Ok, TMI.

I had a lady tell me today that I radiate peace. I have never been told that before! It reminds me of the first time someone told me I was very loving. God can perform miracles, that is for certain.

I have been thinking about rejoicing a LOT lately though. I can't imagine a life filled with rejoicing. FULL of it. ALWAYS? really... Doesn't that sound fun?

Significance

2009-09-01T15:29:00.000-07:00

WHEW!

BIG HAPPY SIGH.

September is finally here. A new season.

Devin started football. He is so excited. He doesn't get excited a lot, so that is fun. I was thinking about it on my way from dropping him off for practice. I want to talk to him about why he is excited. I think because he is doing something that his dad and I are excited about and other parents, kids and teachers are all excited about, so it feels important. I want to explain to him about the cloud of witnesses that are watching our lives. Cheering us on, hoping we won't give up. The game of life we are in. Being part of something that matters. Something that makes a difference, forever. I hope he gets it, but even if he doesn't I was happy to be thinking those thoughts! I want to play my part well...

Love and the hope of heaven

2009-08-24T07:09:00.001-07:00

I was thinking about changing my blog name from "Learning to Live", to "Learning to Love". I am not sure I have time for both. And loving seems the most important biblically. I am alive in Christ already, whether I feel like it or not. Loving is really, really hard. I am not even completely sure what it is yet. Speaking of which, I have been pondering what these verses mean the last couple of days, Col 1:4 For we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and your love for all of God’s people, 5 which come from your confident hope of what God has reserved for you in heaven. Why would our confident hope of what God has reserved for us in heaven cause us to love? That is so weird to me. Unless we love everyone in their imperfections (including ourselves) now because we know we will all be perfected in heaven? Or we don't worry about people loving us back because we know everything will be made right in heaven? I can see serving and obeying God because of what He has reserved for us in heaven, but loving? I am sure God will explain it to me sooner or later.

This was the only other thing I have written over the summer.

2009-08-22T13:59:00.000-07:00

I told my son that I know he has not learned to love God with his whole heart yet and the parts of his heart that don’t love God make him weak. I realized that is the same with all of us, young or old. It is the parts of us that haven’t learned to love and trust God yet that the enemy uses against us...

Blogging Again

2009-08-22T13:50:00.000-07:00

I was trying to wait until September, but I just went over to Darla's house and helped her with her blog a tiny bit and it got me itching to do something with mine. I have missed blogging. But as you can see from my previous post, I didn't have much good in my heart to share with you anyway. Hopefully the fall will be more inspirational. :)

summer

2009-08-21T06:51:00.000-07:00

This has been a hard summer.

Both of my sisters moved away.

My wonderful kids were always home.

So, I had no time to myself.

I love time. I am still too selfish with it.

I have had to believe by faith that God loves me,

Instead of feeling it flow all around and over me.

That has been the hardest part.

Time alone is GOOD

2009-06-27T07:33:00.000-07:00

I had my first personal retreat day yesterday and I want to share it. I didn't think much amazing happened, but I woke up feeling so light-hearted this morning. I had been very anxious again lately but didn't realize it until it went away. Whew!

I can see where planning would have made my day go smoother. I got to the river, almost fell about three time finding a good spot to sit and realized I needed to go to the bathroom. So, I drove to that little park in Rogue River where I knew there was a bathroom and hung out with the ducks most of the day and tried to ignore all the traffic. I didn't realize Rogue River was such a busy little town!

I didn't feel like I got any new revelations but that God reminded me of things He has taught me before.

1. It's all about Him.

2. It's all about Love.

3. He is Love.

I finished that book, "Soul Talk" by Larry Crabb that I liked so much and I think every Christian in America should have to read it once. Here is a quote by Augustine that was in it, "There can be only two basic loves, the love of God unto the forgetfulness of self, or the love of self unto the forgetfulness of God.

Was it also Augustine that said, "Love God and do what you want."? I love the freedom that God gives us. I hope we use it to choose Him more and more.

And now I have 10 posts for June :)

Blogless Summer

2009-06-17T10:19:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys,

I have decided I better take the summer off from blogging. I am way too busy. I thought summer was supposed to be laid back but apparently, not this summer! I have a house full of kids that need my attention and are on the computer half the time, so I can't get on it anyway. I may post occasionally but don't hold your breath.

Hope you have a wonderful summer!

Death = Abundance?

2009-06-11T05:58:00.001-07:00

If you couldn't tell, I have been in a bit of a dry spell lately, spiritually. Ok, I have been on the verge of being depressed, feeling far from God, not wanting to read my Bible and feeling like my prayers were hitting the ceiling. I had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday morning, which also means I cried so hard on the way to work I washed away half of my makeup and was afraid I might get in a car accident.

So, all that got me thinking about "The Abundant Life" that Jesus offers us. Most of my hard times are because I am not getting what I want. Or what I think I need. Or what I think I should have. Or not being who I think I should be. And over and over again, God just asks, "Do you trust Me?" And I usually say, "More than I used to, but obviously not enough, Help me, Lord!"

I have these ideas in my head about what is important in life. I think He put those ideas there. I keep finding out He has something far different in mind. It is really hard to explain. I think it has something to do with this verse: 35 If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it. I always thought this verse is talking about salvation, but now I am wondering if it isn't also the key to the abundant life? Because every part of my life I am willing to die to, (give up my desires and trust Him) I seem to have more peace. And joy. When I hold on to my desires, I get discouraged when I can't make them happen, and start to feel like my spirit is dying.

I have been praying that God would teach me what it means to live for Him, alone. Really, truly. To die to myself and live for Him. It is very uncomfortable and almost scary to have all my values changing. I almost feel panicky about giving up some of the things that have been such a part of me for so long. Desires, personality traits, motivations, how I view myself.

But He is God, I am not. I have to trust He knows what He is doing and He is my guide. And I do want to follow Him more than I want anything else. So I will stay in this weird place as long as He keeps me here.

And don't worry, you guys know me, I could be completely fine by tomorrow and you will ask me about this and I will be like, "Huh? Oh yeah, I am fine now." :)

Thanks for being part of my journey.

Little steps....

2009-06-09T15:46:00.000-07:00

We made it back from camping, alive, and didn't even get rained on!

So, since my blog is called Learning to Live and all, I thought I would tell you what I did yesterday.

I got up at 5 instead of 5:30 and took a walk and even tried to run a little. When I got back, I DIDN'T CHECK MY EMAIL, OR DRINK ANY COFFEE. I ate some oatmeal and put my sugar in there instead of the coffee. I thought that was very creative of me.

I think I have been destroying my power of concentration and making myself antsy with all this computer stuff, so I am going to try and limit myself more. Not checking my email or blogs before work is a big thing for me.

And I lived!!!!!!!

I am going to try and do that again tomorrow. Today I got up and drank coffee immediately! Curled up on the couch. Gotta take things slow or they won't stick, right?

Not according to plan...

2009-06-05T09:31:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I am feeling the need to keep everyone informed of every little thing this week but I am, so here's the latest. Today is the last day of school. The plan was to leave to go camping as soon as the kids get home at 2:30. But the weather is gloomy, Gabriel is throwing up, Devin is coughing, I have severe PMS and had to lay in bed this morning and pray so I could even get up, and Jason went to hook the Bronco up to the trailer and the carburetor is spraying fuel onto the engine. Hmm...Are we supposed to be camping this weekend?

And I found out this morning that there is no football next year at Jr High, which we were all looking forward to.

I do believe everything will work out how it is supposed to though.

And I hope you have a nice weekend! :)

Yay!

2009-06-04T20:32:00.000-07:00

So tonight was Dev's 6th grade appreciation/graduation. It was really neat because all of his best friends got awards from the teachers. (I have been telling Jason that Dev runs with a good little crew, maybe he will believe me now. They were awards for the best attitude, community service, and friendliest, I think) I was getting a little sad because I know he worked really hard this year and I didn't think he was going to get one. He got the last one and it was for "All Around Best Student"!

Ok, I cried. But you guys have seen the kind of parenting week I have had right?

I had to ask Dev's permission to blog about this (because he has told me he doesn't want me blogging about him) and brag on him and he just reminded me he also got the "Most Athletic Boy" vote from his fellow students. :)

I am especially proud of him because Jason and I don't pressure our kids about their grades. He has worked hard by his own choice.

And God is merciful and sweet to me.

Still having problems....

2009-06-03T17:44:00.000-07:00

So, today my daughter fell in love with a kitten that was born with deformed hips and crawls around on it's stomach. The owner said if they couldn't give it away they were going to put it to sleep.

She wanted to rescue it, very badly. Jason is allergic to cats. He said no. She cried for a long time.

I (in my perfect Christian mother mode, of course) streamed a movie from Netflix and went across the street and got her some candy to distract her. It worked. But Gabriel wanted the candy I got for her instead of what I got for him. So he had just as big a fit about the candy, as she had about the cat. So, I ate his candy to self medicate. I am torn between guilt and going across the street to get some ice cream. For me.

Don't worry, I won't. I already am sick from the candy. :)

Worse Problem

2009-06-02T20:07:00.000-07:00

I am so grossed out, I want to die.

My daughter dropped a giant rock on her toe a couple weeks ago. The toenail came off today. She soaked it and THIS LARVAE THING CAME OUT OF IT.

ewe ewe ewe ewe!!!!!!!!!!

(And yes, this is the same child that also had an earwig go in her ear when she was about three. When we had it flushed out, there was also a tiny toy in there)

New Problem

2009-06-02T18:26:00.000-07:00

Background, just in case you don't know:
I just started enjoying my own kids about 6 months ago, a year tops.

Setting:
My house is less than 1,200 square feet.

Dilemma:
My children are starting to bring their friends over and wanting them to stay indefinitely.

Ideal Solution:
Me turn into wonderful, warm, loving, Christian mom of the neighborhood who makes them all a healthy snack and starts a croquet game in the back yard. (Minus the dog poop, of course.)

Reality:
I start to feel claustrophobic after 5 minutes and my skin starts to crawl at 10. After about 1/2 hour I start looking at the clock wondering if I can send them all home soon.

Solution:
I HAVE NO IDEA!!!

That's what's missing!

2009-06-01T18:43:00.000-07:00

My kids were watching a movie in the living room. Too loudly, because I could hear the movie in my bedroom, where I was folding the laundry. Jason was outside and smiled at me through the window and it felt like a Perfect Moment. Then I realized that the music on the movie matched the moment perfectly.

Hmmmm......

Is that why life is never as good as a movie? How different would it feel if we had a soundtrack playing for every moment in our lives? Would we recognize Life better? Don't know if this will make a bit of sense to anyone else...

Hidden and Secret

2009-05-26T13:53:00.000-07:00

So, I am thinking about this "hidden life" thing more. If it applies to all believers, which of course it does, I don't need to be quite so "discerning" as I have been. Jesus will redeem all of us. He will heal all our diseases and complete our lack, remove any deceptions we still have and give us knowledge of Himself. We will all be complete and whole before Him and each other some day. Our weaknesses and blind spots won't last forever. So we don't need worry about those so much. They are temporary, earthly concerns. We can trust that someday, we will all finally "get it". (Usually the one thing I have learned that maybe you haven't yet, ignoring the 82 things that you know and I don't.) I find this relieving, because I don't have to be so concerned about people "getting it". I can love people more freely and trust God WILL fix them someday. Along with me.

I am not saying that there is never a time to encourage or correct a brother or sister in Christ. I am talking about all the stuff that isn't blatant enough for that but still can eat us alive.

On the other hand I do need confess and repent for my sin as God convicts me because Rom 2:16 says, "The day is coming when God, through Christ Jesus, will judge everyone’s secret life."

I so want my secret life to bring Him glory on that day. Help me, Lord!

More Identity Stuff

2009-05-25T08:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I can express how full my heart is right now, but I want to try. I have been feeling like a failure lately. Spiritually, physically, emotionally. As a woman and as a mother. My head has known that it is not true, that God in His mercy, was helping me do the job He wanted me to do and be the person He wants me to be, but my heart has been crying, crying out to Him to help me. I have felt lost. (Those of you who know me well, know that I used to feel like this ALL the time, and for it to be a every 6 month thing, instead of daily, is a huge improvement).

So this morning I woke up happy, which was good enough for me. I went into my time with God this morning and He reminded me that He wants me to "Rejoice, always" and I had forgotten that is one of my assignments. I found the verse in my Bible really easily, "Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again-rejoice!" I was thinking about what a fun assignment that is, to learn to rejoice always. And I found this verse, "Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God."

Ok, that made me so stinkin happy and I will try to explain why.

What I see, what you see, IS NOT MY REAL LIFE! My real life is hidden, with Christ, in God. There is nothing I treasure more in life than my times with Him, when I catch a glimpse of who He is. I never realized I was also catching a glimpse of who I really am as well. Who I am, with Him, is my real life. Those times in His presence when everything else falls away, are the closest I can get to my real, hidden life. More real than me not fitting into my clothes from last summer. More real than me being selfish because I am feeling sorry for myself. More real than the discouragement I feel because I can't make my life be what I want it to be and still put God first. Not that I don't have to repent for those things, I do. But those moments don't define my life.

My real life is hidden. With Christ. In God. And that is the truth.

There can be no failure with Christ. There can be no shame. There can be nothing impure or sinful. This motivates me even more to seek Him first. He is where my true life is found. Like Jackie said in her newsletter article, it is the times when I am in His presence, that I am the most myself. There is so much freedom and joy in that.

EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, is about Christ.

"And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his glory."

Col 3:1-4

Seeking What?

2009-05-21T08:48:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling fractured lately. Divided. Out of touch with my heart. I have been trying to be healthy again and I think it is killing me.

Strange Stories

2009-05-21T07:46:00.000-07:00

So, I finished reading Ezra this morning. It was really interesting after studying Esther. There were some of the same characters in the story. I noticed I had previously underlined only one verse in the whole book and it was 9:3, When I heard this, I tore my cloak and my shirt, pulled hair from my head and beard, and sat down utterly shocked. He had just heard that the priest and leaders had led the way in the people marrying the pagans around them. I can't remember why I underlined that. I think I was shocked that Ezra was so shocked? Was he that innocent? He must have been. It seems like from then til now more people were sinning than not. Priests and leaders included. It would be nice to have that kind of innocent faith, but I know I can't, because I would be one of the people who had to repent for sinning. It was also interesting that their solution was to divorce the pagen wives (What about husbands?) and send them and the children away. This story does make me wonder if maybe I have become a little too accepting of sin? Hmm...something to pray about.

Thoughts, anyone?

Wondering...

2009-05-19T07:20:00.000-07:00

2 Chron 16:12 In the thirty-ninth year of his reign Asa was afflicted with a disease in his feet. Though his disease was severe, even in his illness he did not seek help from the LORD, but only from the physicians.

This verse has intrigued me for years. In my mind, I thought the Bible said that God was angry with Asa for not seeking Him, but I couldn't find it when I was looking this time. I must have assumed that.

Check out 2 Chron 15:17: Although he did not remove the high places from Israel, Asa's heart was fully committed to the LORD all his life.

I think Asa's life is a good example of loving God but not having all that we could have in Him.

Why wouldn't the King remove the high places? Why didn't he consult the Lord about his feet?

We had such a neat conversation about Job, I wanted to see what you guys thought about King Asa. :)

Why the Wait...

2009-05-15T07:58:00.000-07:00

I heard this morning that there might be a big lay off at my husband's place of work. While I was praying about it and telling God that I do trust Him to take care of us, I started thinking about how He always does what is best for us.

For so long, discipline was what was best for me. I have a very strong will and pretty much will only do what I want. God had to fix my "wanter", as they say. He had to teach me that His ways are best. I am sorry to say, He had to convince me. And it was painful. But He showed me so much mercy and revealed Himself to me and He loved me so faithfully and tenderly and strongly through it all.

I just realized this morning that we have to be prepared for blessings. If he blessed us before He changed us, we would never grow. I have spent years asking Him for things and getting a "No" or a "Not yet". I don't get mad at Him about it, (anymore) but I did wonder what the hold up was. This morning, I realized the hold up is me. I am not ready for all of the things I want. I am not strong enough or trustworthy enough or mature enough. It is God's best for me to make me wait.

I am so thankful He does not give us what we want, but what we need.

Praise You, Lord!